My so called life...

I have been reading a lot. I finished The Anti 9 - 5 Guide, Myrren's Gift and Creative Journal Writing. I'm currently reading The Velveteen Principles for Women and Storm Season. Money Magic was going really well until I fell in the river last weekend and had to spend the week franatically searching the internet for book drying techniques and using said techniques to dry out the book! It is almost dry now, so back to that one this weekend...

I want Story Beads. I love these and they will be mine. Oh yes, they will be mine.

I have been watching Hell's Kitchen. I'm in love with Gordon Ramsay.

I have been planning my trip to the Writing and Yoga Retreat in Scotland.

I have been playing the highly addictive Burger Shop.

Sunday Scribblings: Telephone

I remember the telephone. It was black and cordless. It was a big deal when we first got that phone. We'd had a regular phone, the one with the old-fashioned rotating dial for a long time. It finally died and we finally got a more modern one. It was still big and clunky though - this was the time before cell phones the size of a small tv remote.

On the night he died, I took that phone into the backyard, where the stars shone brightly in a crisp sky and called my Uncle.

"Can you come? Dad isn't doing very well"

I was trying not to cry. Tears would come later. He died before my Uncle got there. He died while we stood there, me clutching that damn phone. He just stopped breathing. Gone. For some reason I thought there would be an epic struggle. He would fight for life, and death would indulge him, knowing who the victor would be. But he didn't struggle. The struggle had taken place for months. Months of doctors, of radiation treatment, of hair loss, of carers traipsing in and out of our home, of a gradual weakening of body and spirit.

Who could blame him? I remember after he took his last breath. I remember starting to cry, really cry. Then she looked at me, looking into me and I knew I had to stop. I had to curb my grief so she could grieve. I sometimes think I am still curbing my grief so she can grieve. She didn't ask me to do this, or expect me to do it. Somehow I decided her loss was greater than mine. I still believe that, four years on.

Sometimes the sheer magnitude of my loss overwhelms me and I am convinced it is a loss I will never truly recover from. He died that night, but so did a part of me. I was altered forever. That girl, clutching that phone, watching her father die no longer exists. You see, when you know - really know - that death eventually claims all, you look at life differently. It has darker undertones. You become more comfortable with the notion of death. You don't look away, you don't 'not think about it'. I have met death and I am not frightened. Another side effect of an unimaginable loss - you know that you can live through anything, even the unlivable.

We no longer have that cordless phone.

I have a book problem...

My name is Maree and I have a book problem.

The photo above is of the current stack of books I am reading. Yes, that's right, I am in the process of reading all eleven of those books. I am not sure why I am reading so many books at any one time. One of the biggest reasons is that I borrow books from the library a lot. When I get a library book - usually by special order from another library and thus the loan period is reduced from 3 weeks to around 2 weeks - I launch straight into the library book, putting all other reading on hold. Another reason is because I read a lot of personal development books and these usually require extended reading times. You hae to read, complete exercises, digest...it takes time and usually these kinds of books can't be read all in one hit. So I'll be reading one of them, a few different novels, a library book or two and a trashy romance. Let's go through the pile one by one, shall we?

Money Magic: Unleashing Your True Potential for Prosperity and Fulfillment

I read about this book on Life Unfolds where Jennifer Lee was discussing her experiences in a 'Money Circle' and how she figured out what money type she was. She linked to a quiz you could take to see what money type you are, so I took the quiz and was quite impressed. The quiz writer had a book, and this is it. So far I like it. There are many exercises to do, but I'm all for trying to change my thoughts on being "poor". It's like I was a poor student for so long I'm unable to grasp that I now make a decent income and therefore I am decidedly NOT poor. My mother recently made mention of the idea of "poverty of thought" whereby you basically decide you are poor in your head and thus you are. I'm interested in changing the way I look at my relationship with money and this book is hopefully a big step in that direction.

Creative Journal Writing - The Art and Heart of Reflection

I saw this beautiful book by well known Australian author Stephanie Dowrick in my local bookstore about a year ago and decided to check the library to see if they had a copy before purchasing one. It's not always convenient, especially with a book like this which needs to be worked through and digested. But at least I know I like the book and would like to own it as opposed to buying it outright and being disappointed. Anyway, I forgot about looking for this book at the library and accidentally came across it a few months back. I've renewed it about 4 times and I've stalled a bit at the moment, even though I'm only about 30 pages from finishing up. I'll definitely try and get this one read in the next few weeks. I'm tempted to take it with me on my European trip...it definitely would help fill up the pages of my journal!

The Velveteen Principles for Women: How to Shatter the Myth of Perfection and Embrace All That You Really Are

I just love the book The Velveteen Rabbit. If you haven't read it go and read it right now!!!! It is a lovely children's story of how a soft toy rabbit is so utterly and completely loved by a child that his button eye falls out, his fur is worn away and I seem to recall the other toys don't like him very much. But the Velveteen Rabbit is loved so much and so completely that he becomes Real. Yes, Real with a capital R. It chokes me up just thinking about it! The author of this book - Toni Raiten-D'Antonio takes the idea of the Velveteen Rabbit and applies it to personal development. This book, specifically for women, is her third book in the series I think. I have read around 20 pages and really liked it, but I seem to have lost my way with getting back to it. It has been under my bed for months and I just dragged it out today. I must get back to it!

The Anti 9 to 5 Guide: Practical Career Advice for Women Who Think Outside the Cube

I found this book and Michelle Goodman's blog after she did an interview with Kimberly Wilson of Hip Tranquil Chick and thought 'Anti 9 - 5 sounds just like me!!!' If you know me at all, you know I despise working full time. Full time work is for lunatics, weirdos and people with no life. I mean seriously - how many of you love working 5 days a week? Not many, I'll bet. I'm not against work - I'd happily work three or four days a week. But full time work SUCKS. Michelle Goodman doesn't really go down the road that I've just gone down in her book though. Thankfully she is more focused on how to get out of the cube and start doing something you love for yourself. She is a freelance writer and works out of her home. Some of her advice is more relevant to freelance writers or those who want to be freelance writers, but some of it is really interesting and very practical. She also has a great sense of humour and I literally laugh out loud at some of the things she says in the book. Not sure why I've stalled on this one either. It's high on the pile of books to finish reading.

Obligatory Mills and Boon Romance

No need to post an image on this book. It is one in a never ending parade of romances I read. Sometimes I love these books - I can finish one in about 2 hours and I enjoy them in the process, some more than others. I like to travel with a stack of them because I read them and leave them in random places - airport seats, hotel rooms, buses. I actually threw one from the 8th floor window of the hotel I stayed at in Melbourne. Not sure what I thought I was doing - I just sort of did it. It was quite exhilarating really, and it landed in an alley where I suppose it may or may not have been found. I started my current book in Melbourne and haven't got back to it. From memory it's about some rich dude interested in some woman who is caring for her brother's children since his wife died and said rich dude has given grieving brother a contract to build something or other that might save brother's business. He also has a big country house and a bunch of lame animals (they are really lame - a donkey with one leg missing, some old dogs and a few ancient sheep) that he inherited from the previous owner. Anyway, I'm sure they'll end up happily ever after, so there is no rush to finish this one!

The Japan Diet: The Secret to Effective and Lasting Weight Loss

I picked this book up in Borders in Melbourne for $7.95. I've been to Japan and for the most part (don't get me wrong, there are plenty of western foods in Japan) the meals are smaller portions, a lot of variety and very rice and fish based. I had some great Japanese food in Japan, but I've actually become more interested in Japanese food in the last few years (thanks to Caroline Gilbert and her nose for awesome Japanese food) so I really do need to get back to Japan and eat more Japanese food! In any case I'm only up to the introduction of this book, written by a Japanese woman who moved to the USA and gained about 12kg in 4 months. I'm interested in the book's premise so I'll keep going with this one.

Storm Season: Thieves World Book Four

Ah...the Thieves World saga. I wrote about this books in my previous post at number 55. These books were first printed in the late 1970's and were perhaps the first (and last?) truly successful fantasy anthology. Written by half a dozen different writers and composed of somewhere between 6 and 8 short stories, the Thieves World cast of characters is nothing short of amazing. The authors borrow each other's characters and spin webs of intrigue and slaughter in the strange little town of Sanctuary. I have a thing for one of the characters who is the favoured son of the Rankan God Vashanka. His name is Tempus and despite his not so nice character (he's a bit of a shit really) he interests me a great deal, and I don't think I'm alone as Tempus has about 3 books written about him (including the weirdly named 'Tempus Takes Manhattan'). Despite my fascination with this series and its 12 - 14 books, I seem incapable of finishing the series. I'm currently stalled at book four. I LOVE these books but there is a weird sense of reluctance when it comes to reading the series. The characters live on it my head though, and I think about them fairly often, and have done for about 15 years. Interesting.

Myrren's Gift

I saw this book advertised in a book catalogue (as I always say - Happiness is a book catalogue) and thought it sounded interesting. At over 600 pages it is quite the fantasy epic, especially when you know it is the first in a trilogy. I try not to read too many massive fantasy epics. I've read The Belgariad and The Mallorean and those 10 books are possibly the greatest fantasy epics ever written. Fiona McIntosh is an Australian author and I like to read Australian writers so I decided to give this one a bash. I admit I was surprised at the major twist in the book. I was pretty taken aback actually. I'm about 70 pages off being done with it, having read about 250 pages this weekend, and I like it, but I think I'll wait a few months before looking for Book 2. My main beef with it is that it is pitched pretty low and there is a lot of tooling around and it feels like things that could take 10 pages take about 30. But I'm fond of Fynch the Drop Boy and Knave the Dog so all is good.

Come and Get Me

Okay, I'll admit it. This book is sheer erotica. It's hard core - no fancy stuff, no Mills and Boon, no fluffy stuff. It involves raw sex, and a lot of it, with multiple partners, fantasies etc. I read about this book in my newsletter from Temptation: The Romance Bookstore in Subiaco. I bought this one, and another one which is all about 3 brothers who fall in love with one woman, and she with them... Anyway, there is a relationship at the centre of this book and it is a loving one so it isn't exactly pornography. It's about two people who are about to get married and the woman is worried that their sex life isn't interesting enough so she takes off and makes the guy chase her around the world. They explore their fantasies on the way and yeah, so there is a group sex scene. They're into it, so why should I have a problem with it? Not sure why I stalled on this one either. I'll probably have to re-read it as it has been months since I started it and I'm only about quarter of the way through.

Medicine for the Earth: How to Transform Personal and Environmental Toxins

I'm not sure why I bought this book. It is interesting enough, but not an area I'm overly interested in. I just re-read the blurb and I think I bought it because I used to have a thing about going to this one expensive "new age" bookstore and buying over-priced books. I think I was just trying to soak up the atmosphere and I thought I could get something out of buying books in that place. I don't really care much for the shop these days. The book seems to be about transmutation to reverse the pollution of the earth which is interesting, but whilst it has a bookmark (a bookmark I don't even recognise actually!) in it, I have no memory of reading it. So back on the shelf it goes methinks. Weird.

So there you go. That's what I'm currently reading. Hopefully I'll finish off a few of them in the next week or so! I get a great deal of satisfaction from finishing books so I should do it more often and not let things get so out of hand. Especially when I'm enjoying almost all of these books and have no idea why I stopped reading them! The purpose of this post was to re-energise me about them and I believe it has done the job. Excuse me, I'm off to read...

Caroline's Wedding

One month ago today I was at Caroline's wedding in Melbourne. Unsurprisingly, Caroline was a beautiful bride and the ceremony and reception were lovely. A few of Caroline's Perth friends are keen to see the photos I took at the church, so here we go:

The church

Two of Caro's bridesmaids and her two little flower girls

Caro's niece, Veronica. So cute!

Caroline and her dad. He sung "My Way" Sinatra style at the reception...it was great.

Caroline's dress was so very pretty - she looked like a Fairy Princess.

This isn't a great shot (sorry Caro) but it's the best close up I took

Signing the registry. I really loved the bridesmaid's dresses - they were stylish but funky.

The happy couple, Caroline and Sebastien, and a well wisher

So there you have it. Unfortunately the photos I took were not particularly good. It was hard to take decent shots in the church as there were lots of people around who were also trying to take photos and the lighting wasn't particularly good. But I tried! I have lots more photos of Melbourne, but they'll go into a different post. :)

100 Things About Me

1. I spend more time than the average person on the roof of my house. It's peaceful and I like it.
2. I dream incredibly weird dreams. They are always vivid, often bizarre and sometimes completely removed from my life. The other night I dreamed I was shot with a ray gun that disintegrated me into a puddle and then I was brought back to life 200 years later by a different raygun. Weird, no?
3. I have a huge crush on Gordon Ramsay and a small crush on Jamie Oliver. It's not that they are chefs, I just like them.
4. I work with teenagers, which is something I never wanted to do.
5. I have a law degree I have never, and probably will never, use. Looks pretty on the wall though.
6. I have an origami calendar on my desk at work and I make a new origami for every day. Today is a "Pig Cool". My notice board is decorated with all of the successful origiamis for 2008. The crap ones go in the bin.
7. My dad died in 2004 when I was 27. It is such a big loss that sometimes I think I will never recover from it.
8. Someone once told me that I have the ability to make people like me. I do. It's kinda cool.
9. I have two large white dogs, whom I love more than life itself.
10. I drive a 19 year old car, which I am hoping will soon become "vintage" or "classic" instead of just plain old.
11. I have a credit card debt that bothers me. I pay off massive amounts, but it is slow going.
12. I have gained 15kg in the past year. This does not make me happy.
13. My first name is the same as my older sister's middle name, except for one letter. I used to joke as a child that I had a "second hand name".
14. I love soft toys. They are NOT stuffed animals. Mine all have names and histories.
15. I am not sure that I have ever been "in love". I'm not even sure what that means. I love, and I am loved.
16. I have always wanted to get a tattoo, but I am terrified that I would get it, and then wake up in the middle of the night scared shitless that I was stuck with it for the rest of my life.
17. I love books and my dream is to own a bookstore where I work and write my own glorious stories.
18. My dream is to be a writer.
19. I named my dog Hope because she was my Hope that there was still good times and good things to be had in this life. She goes by "Hopie" and sometimes I tell people that she is named after the Native American "Hopi" tribe. She isn't, but sometimes I say that.
20. Sometimes I think my name - Maree - is very pretty. Other times I think it is dumb. It never comes out properly when I say it. People say "pardon?" a lot.
21. I was born on the last day of the year. This prompts a lot of stupid statements like, "You have to wait a whole year for your birthday!" or "You have lots of reasons to celebrate on New Years Eve!"
22. I am a feminist, through and through. I hate it when uneducated people say "I am not a feminist. I don't think women are better than men". Um, hello??? Feminism is about equality, not superiority. We leave that to the patriarchs.
23. I am one unit off finishing a Graduate Diploma in Arts (Anthropology), but I will probably never finish it.
24. Writing my thesis almost killed me. Literally. It turned out okay. Nothing special.
25. I think lack of self awareness is the most repugnant trait in a human being.
26. I do not believe I will ever be pregnant and give birth to a child. I'm okay with it.
27. I hate fruit. It fucking sucks.
28. I am supposed to be a gluten free person. Sometimes I am, but it is very very hard.
29. My body would like to live the following schedule: go to sleep at midnight/1:00am and get up at 9:00am.
30. I hate to work full time. 4 days a week would be fine, thank you very much. The idea of working full time for the rest of my life makes me want to drive off a bridge.
31. In July I am going to Scotland, England and Wales. I can only just afford it, but have decided that life is too short.
32. I can quote large portions of the dialogue from the Nicolas Cage movie "Gone in 60 Seconds".
33. I can also quote the speech that takes place on the Death Star between Darth Vader and one of the Generals in the original Star Wars: "Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the lost data tapes or given you clairvoyance enough to see the location of the hidden rebel base..." And so on.
34. When I was a child I thought that if I jumped out of a plane with a jar, I could capture some fluffy white cloud in the jar.
35. Change frightens me and makes me uncomfortable.
36. My two nieces and my nephew make me laugh. I love them.
37. I have many nicknames, and no one in my family calls me "Maree". It is usually "Ree" or "Reecy" or "Rees". My sister is Rebecca, and no one calls her that either. Bek usually, but I have always called her Becka.
38. I have had about 30 jobs in my career. I get bored easily.
39. I am frightened and alarmed by the thought of marrying someone, buying a house and having children that I have to drive to school every day. I might change my mind someday, but not today.
40. I want my next relationship to be "epic". It's epic or nothing.
41. I would like to own a mustang.
42. I am funny. I am good at making jokes and clever comments. It's a mask, you know.
43. I love to receive mail - snail mail, packages, email. I'm not fussy.
44. I own one painting. It is of Lord Ganesh. I love it, but most other people don't like it, or find it a bit strange. Their loss.
45. I love to sleep. If I didn't sleep and have that break from my mind, I would go nuts.
46. I feel sad for neglected animals more than I do for neglected humans. I'm not sure why this is so.
47. I am an empath. It used to frighten me, but now I am mostly all "meh" about it. Whatever.
48. It is harder than I thought to come up with a list of 100 things about me.
49. I have a Facebook. I like it. I am violently opposed to My Space. It is lame and dumb. Facebook is okay. It's greatest strength lies in the art of time suckage.
50. I love coffee. The smell of it makes me happy. For me, coffee smells like adventure and excitement and fun and joy and possibility. That's a lot of emotions for one little bean.
51. I have lived in the USA on and off for years. I have lived in Chicago, West Palm Beach Florida, Zanesville Ohio and San Antonio Texas. I have travelled all over the US too. I like it there. Sometimes it feels like I belong there.
52. I do not belong in the city I live in. I know this.
53. I enjoy watching TV series on DVD. When I was a kid I used to think that the coolest gift would be to receive 5 episodes in advance of my favourite TV show, A Country Practice. Now I get to do that and watch all the episodes at once.
54. I have seen the entire five seasons of La Femme Nikita at least 3 times, possibly 4. I have seen the entire 5 seasons of Babylon 5 three times and the entire 6 seasons of Xena Warrior Princess twice. I've never made it all the way through the X Files. I conk out in Season 8 after Mulder leaves.
55. I love fantasy books, especially the Belgarian and the Mallorean sets by David Eddings. I like paranormal fiction. I own the entire set of the Thieves World novels (1st generation). I first read them as a teenager and I think they changed the way I view the world. I haven't been able to get through them all as an adult though. Not because I don't enjoy them, just...because.
56. I hate it when things are not equitable and just.
57. I wish it rained more where I live. I also wish we had less heat where I live.
58. I like herbs and herb plants, but am not very good at growing them.
59. When I was a kid my sister made me watch all the tv shows and movies she wanted to watch. I wanted to watch Mary Poppins, Oliver and the Sound of Music. She wanted to watch action flicks like Delta Force.
60. I have a cabbage patch doll named Karen Estelle. Her name was originally Estelle Thelma, but I didn't like the name Thelma. I still don't!
61. I used to hate the name Audrey, but now I like it.
62. My Dad had a relative named "Aubrey" who was repeatedly described in family documents as being " a lovely man". I remember asking Dad if he was lovely, but dad didn't know.
63. My friends and I watched and dissected two television shows in high school - Degrassi Junior High/Degrassi High and Beverley Hills 90210. To this day I still watch Degrassi re-runs and have just finished watching "Degrassi: The Next Generation" Season 1. I watched a few episodes of 90210 recently and I seem to recall it being a much better show than it really was!
64. I would like to have my own office.
65. I do not like mobile phones and rarely use my personal one, or my business one. I have never signed a mobile phone contract and I never will.
66. I own a Mac computer and love, love, love, love it. I have 2 second hand laptops, but neither are very good.
67. For a long time I did office administration work, and I hated it. I googled a lot.
68. I still google a lot! I have no idea what I did before the internet.
69. I like to cook and am quite good at it, but sometimes I can't be bothered with the mess.
70. I am a bit scared of men, but I like them. :)
71. I eat a lot of McDonalds, but I don't really enjoy it.
72. I am a very good netball player, or at least I am when I play, which isn't often these days.
73. When I was 15 I thought I would be married with children when I was 31. I often think of popping back in time to speak to my 15 year old self and let her know that she would do many things by age 21, but getting married and having children are not on the cards.
74. I went to a New Kids on the Block concert when I was 15. I loved it and got right up the front and sung along with the music. It seems lame now, but at the time it was the ultimate!
75. I once received a fine of $150 for not wearing a seatbelt. My dad paid the fine.
76. My grandmother had a wood stove and she cooked the best meals ever on it. To this day I wonder how she knew what temperature the oven was. I remember the smell of her kitchen and sitting around the fire on a cold winter Sunday afternoon. I miss her.
77. I never knew my Dad's mother. She died when he was 8 or 9. Her name was Edna Alice Mary. I sometimes wonder what she thinks of me, and if she is disappointed in me. I hope not.
78. I wish I could read books all day every day. I wish that was my job. I love the written word more than you could possibly imagine.
79. I speak a very small amount of Spanish. Hola! I took one semester of it at uni. I enrolled in an entire Arts degree, just to take Spanish. I got 84% in the unit. It was tough, man.
80. My Mum built me a conservatory. I like it.
81. I enjoy painting and crafting, but I don't do enough of it. That has to change!
82. It took me a long time to realise that I don't have to be perfect at everything. I can try things and just enjoy them. No one is sitting around waiting to grade me.
83. I like yoga, but I am not very flexible and am not at all graceful at it.
84. I love to eat ( see number 12) and some of my favourite foods are Japanese, Goats Cheese Salad, Steak Sandwich, Mexican food and fries with Aoili sauce.
85. I am not sure if there is a God, but if there is, She is a woman.
86. When I die, I will be pissed off if I am reincarnated.
87. I once wrote a list of 100 things I fear and number 96 was "resurrection". Who knew? For this reason I think I will be cremated.
88. I am interested in permaculture and sustainable living.
89. I do not drink alcohol. I don't like the taste. I also don't like the lifestyle. I lived with a heavy drinker for most of my life. It is not for me. People find this odd. I sometimes tell people I do not drink because I am muslim. I am not, but it tends to silence them.
90. I have stayed in 4 backpackers in my life. I hated each and every one of them with an unholy and shocking passion. I will never EVER stay at another backpackers again. I am a 4 star hotel kind of girl. 3 at a pinch.
91. I am a realist and I am practical. This makes me a bit negative at times.
92. I am direct. I say what I mean and mean what I say.
93. I like Pooh Bear. I have a large Pooh Bear whom I adopted as he was without a nose and couldn't be sold. He is still nose-less, but we have discussed it extensively and we have decided that a nose does NOT define a person, so he is comfortable with himself.
94. It is hard to get blood out of my veins. Last time I needed a blood test they shoved four different needles into four separate parts of my body (both arms, my hand and finally my wrist) before hitting gold.
95. I think the idea of being knocked out with anesthetic is very interesting. It's like one second you're there, the next you're gone. No dreams, no recollection of what happened. You're just gone. Dead. Done. Then they bring you back. It's like temporary deadness.
96. I once thought that the AC/DC song "Thunderstruck" was music created by the devil and was frightened to listen to it, lest I be seduced by Satan. I was about 12 when I thought this. It isn't a recent thought! I got over it, and I actually love the song now and have for about 10 years. It was during my quasi-religious phase that I was paralysed with righteous fear.
97. I went to religious camp with my cousin for a week between year 11 and year 12. It was weird. I remember them ranting and raving and someone having the blood of Christ poured upon them and how there was something special about them and Jesus had plans for them. It was all very hysterical. We were all supposed to be baptised in the ocean as well, but my cousin felt sick that day so we didn't go. I consider that a lucky escape.
98. My feelings get hurt a lot. I'm sensitive. I'd rather not be.
99. When I went to Bali as a 9 year old I remember walking down to the beach and promising the island that I would return and I would be back. I haven't got back there yet, but I think of that promise often.
100. I have scuba dived four times in my life, all 4 times on the Great Barrier Reef. I loved it.

Phew. That was fun. :)

Tempus Fugit

Time flies indeed.

It has been almost a month since I last updated my blog. Things have been happening, some of them are even interesting. Here is the summary of my life, dot point style:

• I went to Melbourne for the lovely Caroline's wedding. It was wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. I heart Melbourne. Caroline looked breathtakingly beautiful and it was all very romantic. Sebastien's father said at the wedding (in French) "Caroline is the most beautiful thing to ever happen to Sebastien". I agree, Caroline is one of the most beautiful things to happen to everyone she meets.
• Hopie the Wonder Puppy turned 4. There was a party, with party hats and cupcakes. Mollie ate her hat! The photos are adorable.


• I haven't been writing much. Not sure why. This saddens me.


• Every now and then I think of things I want to put on one of those "100 things about me" meme's that people post on their blogs. Not sure why.


• I had the weirdest dream last night that I took up smoking, but only 2 cigarettes a day (menthol). I've never smoked in my life, so whatever.


• I'm planning a trip to the United Kingdom for July. I can barely afford it, but it is very definitely worth it.


• I'm obsessed with Hong Kong Phooey, a cartoon character from my childhood. That's his picture above. I can barely remember the cartoon, so I watched a few on You Tube and LOVED it. It made me giggle and laugh and I constantly sing the theme song, somtimes changing the words. So instead of 'Hong Kong Phooey' I sing 'Hong Kong Doggy' or 'Hong Kong Mollie' etc. The puppies are using to me singing songs and putting their names in place of the original ones so they wag their tails and line up for a pat.

And that's it.

I saw you coming from afar...

Michelle and me

My wonderful cousin Michelle had her baby today. She named her sweet baby girl Kaylee Maree. Her middle name is for me.

I am overwhelmed and grateful. I feel so honoured. I feel like a priceless gift has been given to me and I can't believe the depth of love that Michelle has for me. A love so deep that she named the child that she and Leon created after me. The most important person in their lives bears my name.

I often think I do not belong in this world. In this time and this place. I am impatient to leave sometimes. But I know I must stay for this tiny life who is newly arrived, for this sweet child whom I started loving the moment I knew she existed.

Kaylee Maree, I saw you coming from afar and you are beautiful.

This Rocks

This is my latest creative project.

Joy Freedom Hope Grace Dream Love Believe Peace Courage

I am painting rocks and then painting words on them. The idea is that I will then take the rocks and put them around my neighbourhood. I hope that people who need their messages will find them, in the park or on the sidewalk, or in a tree or by the river.

Of course they might be found by naysayers and meanies, but I hope not. I hope the rocks make a small difference to someone's life.

Update: Here are my latest rocks. I am getting more fun and frisky with colour and design. I painted these rocks while having creative time with my friend Kelly.

Believe Honour Truth Knowledge Freedom Serene Tranquil Trust

Don't you just love them? :)

These are my hounds.


If they were to find inspirational rocks, those rocks would read "Eat" "Love" "Sleep" "Play". Everyone should get themselves a hound or two. I highly recommend it.

Sunday Scribblings: Time Travel

What did her heart beat for? She was no longer sure of the answer to that question. Before Mexico she might have listed the boyfriend of the week, her planned vacation to Paris or her next weekend away with the girls. But after what happened in Mexico the only thing in her life seemed to be the tattoo on her wrist and the obligations, responsibilities and duties associated with it.

Oh to be free. To have the shackles fall from her hands and feet. Perhaps if they did fall she could dance - dance her way back into her old life. But would she fit in there? Sometimes she imagined going back in time to tap herself of a year ago on the shoulder. What would she say? Don't go to Mexico? Don't let those bastards hold you down while they tattoo your wrist and force you to inhale their legacy? But in the quiet moments of the night, when the clock had struck two and the wolves were howling at the door in more ways than one, she knew. She knew deep down and heavy inside that they would have found her anywhere on earth and jammed her birthright down her throat.

So telling herself of a year ago not to go to Mexico would be a waste of time. Telling herself a year ago that she was about to become a bone singer was probably also out of the question. Who would believe that crazy shit?

What could she have told the her of a year ago? What would have made a difference in the massive whirlwind of changes and the sense of responsibility that had thundered into her life like a storm from hell? Smile more, perhaps. Care less about what other people think. Eat more ice cream. Have less expectations. Some things are valued too late, and by the time you realise how precious they are, they've slipped through your fingers and shattered on the ground at your feet.

Hip Tranquil Chick Creativity Circle

I am SO excited to be a part of the Hip Tranquil Chick Creativity Circle!

I did some coaching with Kimberly late last year and I really enjoy her fresh and authentic vision. Being part of the Creativity Circle is hard work, though! There are readings to be done, "Omwork" to be completed and I even have a "buddy" to help me on my way. There is a forum to post about our work and special podcasts to listen to.

I have completed this week's reading (almost), having read Chapters 1-3 of The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron and Chapters 1-2 (still working on the third) of Kimberly's book Hip Tranquil Chick. There is an additional reading, The 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women which I read a few months back, but as that one is a library loan I can't lay my hands on it at the moment. That is actually fine as I took copies of all the exercises the author suggested and it is still pretty fresh in my mind.

My next step is to listen to the Podcast that was released on Monday and get my Omwork completed and up in the Forum within the next week or so. So much fun! In the mean time I am working through the exercises in Chapter One of the Artist's Way. Look out for a post about that soon!

Superhero Photo Challenge: Shoot into the sun

A remarkable thing happened to me when I was sitting under a tree in my backyard painting rocks.

I looked up and I saw that through the leaves of a tree, there was a star.


I also learned the downside of getting up to go and get my camera to take a picture of said star.

My sneaky golden retriever stole my rug and my pillow! It also appears that she is reading the newspaper...perhaps that is what she does when I am not around? :)

How to Grow a Dream

This was one of my posts for Just Be Connected and I love it so much I am posting it here too.

They say that every blade of grass has its own angel that bends over it and whispers “grow, grow, grow”. I have discovered that in order to grow your dream, you have to be that angel. You have to gather your dream up in a fluffy blanket and wrap it so it feels warm and secure, just like a baby. Then you hold your dream in your arms, close to your heart, rocking a little from side to side and you whisper, grow, grow, grow.

Your dream will hear you. Like an infant it will respond to the warmth and love in your voice and in your touch. It will know that it is important to you and that you are there to help it grow into your vision.

Perhaps your dream is to decorate canvases with the bright colours of your soul, or perhaps you coax forth form and substance from clay or wood. Perhaps your dream involves scrapbooking and you gently craft the memories of life. Perhaps like me, your dream involves words and stories, the fabric of which can wrap around you and transport you to other times, places, realities. I love words, and I love crafting them so they have meaning to myself and others.
We are all creators with a dream. Once we have accepted our dream and hold it in our arms and whisper for it to grow, grow, grow, we then have to take action. Dreams are like babies – if you wait for them to do all the work of looking after themselves and helping themselves to grow up, you will be waiting a long time!

Make a list of something you can do every day to work towards your dream. It can be as simple and small as looking at colour swatches for your next painting project, or reading a chapter of a business related book. Perhaps you could take one photograph every day, or sign up for a class on scrapbooking. You could start a blog, or start visiting the blogs of people whom you admire and leave comments to encourage them and the community they (and maybe you) are a part of. All of these little tiny steps will help your baby dream to grow. Ask for input from others, join a networking group or take 10 minutes out of your day to set up a workspace.

If you are further along in your progress towards your dream you might have a dream that resembles a screaming toddler! It might be wonderful and fulfilling part of the time and an absolute hectic tear-your-hair-out mess at other times. This is definitely the time to seek outside opinions and assistance. Clarify what your dream is, what you need to do to achieve it and how you can best help it to grow in the direction of your vision.

I hope all of you have dreams that you wrap in those fluffy blankets and nurture. The world needs more dreams and more people like you – people who believe that dreams can come true and are on the way to nurturing their dreams into reality.

“A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.”- Oscar Wilde

The Heart

Sometimes the heart has warnings, saying loudly, "I'm hurting. Don't do that anymore."

Sunday Scribblings: Sleep

Hypnos, God of Sleep

I love to sleep, but at the same time I am fearful of it. Not sleep itself, but the possibility of not sleeping. Sometimes I feel like sleep is going to be snatched away from me, never to be reclaimed, never to be experienced again. Sleep is precious to me, and like most people I don’t cope well without it. I dissolve into tears and taste anxiety. Did you know anxiety has a taste? It is a sort of hot flavour with edges of lime and citrus and it screams inside my body quietly. It feels like I am shaking from the inside, shuddering and rolling and trying to jump out of my skin.

Sleep is the opposite – it is a gift. A break from myself. I get so sick of myself and my thoughts sometimes and sleep gives me respite away from who I am. Not that I don’t like myself – I do. It’s just too much of a good thing! My mind whirs, chugs, spits, screams, recoils, examines, analyses and cuts from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep. I think a LOT. I would rather think less.

I have read The Wild Mind by Natalie Goldberg just recently, and I agree with her – sleep is the underbelly of life and it isn’t really treated with respect. Without sleep you can go crazy. Our mind needs that rest, needs to process, needs that break from us perhaps. Without sleep our judgement becomes impaired, we can’t process information and we become sluggish and slow.

I love to dream. I am usually fairly good at remembering my dreams. They are usually fairly exotic – they rarely include things I’ve actually seen or done. I live a whole other life in my dreams and sometimes I like that life better than the waking one, and who is to say which is more important?

Back to my fear of having sleep snatched away from me – I don’t even like to think about this fear, let alone write about it because I am afraid of making it come true. I remember reading Stephen King’s Insomnia when I was in highschool. The main character finds it hard to sleep beyond 4:30am so he tries to stay up later and go to bed at 1:00am instead of 10:00pm. He still wakes up t 4:30am leading him to state that he should have been grateful for the sleep he was receiving, and not tried to push it for more. I believe Stephen King himself is a chronic insomniac and has been for years.

My dogs sleep a lot. I suppose dogs have limited entertainment. They can’t go and put a DVD on, or take themselves to a friend’s house for dinner. Their whole life is me, playing and sleeping. I know they dream. Their paws twitch like they are running and they make little muted woofs.

I often want to incorporate sleep or the lack there of into my story ideas. A man who sleeps all day and lives his life in the grey moon-washed shadows and far off star illumination of the night (and is NOT a vampire). A woman whose dreaming life is her extraordinary “real” life and who for all intents and purposes leads a very ordinary waking life.

Ideas, ideas everywhere and not a drop to drink!

Shades of Nose

Miss Mollie - who could ever leave this face by the side of the road forever?

Good Golly Miss Molly went to the vet yesterday to be sterilised. As I adopted her from an animal shelter several months ago, she was sterilised for "free". I use inverted commas around "free" because I paid $120 when I adopted her, which in part would have gone towards sterilisation. Everything seemed okay, until I got a phone call from the vet telling me that Miss Molly had started bleeding internally. They gave her a transfusion and monitored her carefully overnight, telling me not to panic and she would be okay.

And she is. Mollie was SO happy to see me when I picked her up. She cried a little and made some whining sounds, telling me all about the experience. Poor sweetie. She must be so confused! She has to be kept quiet for a few days so she is currently asleep all by herself in her usual sleeping spot. Hopie the Wonder Dog is a little unsure why Mollie can't play games, but she seemed glad to see Mollie, which is progress as Miss Hopie Baby Dog was initially none too enthused about Mollie's addition to our little family. She is adjusting though.

Funny. Without Mollie last night the house was quiet and a bit too still, which reminded me why I was so keen to get a second dog. Hoper is only 3.5 years old but she is a "pipe and slippers" dog for the most part - quiet and serene with the occasional madcap maneuver and barking-woofing-whining episode. Mollie fills up the house, and my heart.

Love. Her.

Now for the nose cam part of the post - see below for two photos I call "Shades of Nose". Ha ha.

Hopie's nose in the summer afternoon light

Mollie's nose (and part of her face!) in the shadowy morning light - note how long her eyelashes are!

You want me to stick my nose where? In your camera? Sure thing!

And finally, just because Mollie opened this post, we must finish it with some Hopie cuteness:

Mondo Beyondo 2008: Part One

Me and the fabulous Lucy Cavendish: Learning to Let Go

Okay, I am a little bit late with this post. The fabulous Andrea suggested this exercise at the beginning of the year and I am only just getting around to it! Andrea suggested that we answer four questions and then declare 2007 complete, and decide what your focus for 2008 is. So...here we go with the first part:

1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2007?

• I want to acknowledge my bravery in moving overseas and living, working, breathing, exploring and making friends in Texas for the first few months of 2007 and the last few months of 2006.

• I want to acknowledge my bravery in taking a huge chance and flying to Guatemala and attending the Writing and Yoga Retreat. I didn't want to go and was horribly worried about the logistics of getting myself to Lake Atilan, but it turned out to be one of the most wonderful experiences of my life.
  
• I want to acknowledge my boldness in quitting a horrible job where I worked for a controlling and mean woman, and doing so when I had no one where else to go.
• Additionally, I want to acknowledge myself for sticking out the first few months of my current position which I initially hated with the fire of a thousand suns.
  
• I want to acknowledge my journey with Marian and where I am at with exploring who I am and what I am capable of.
  
• I want to acknowledge my adoption of Good Golly Miss Mollie and applaud how I worked through the initial anxiety and upset associated with her arrival. I am still not quite as attached to Mollie as I am to Hopie the Wonder Puppy, but we are getting there and really, how can I not be attached to someone as sweet as her and her happy feet? I
• want to acknowledge paying off some of my debt and being hardcore and down the line about it. May it continue until all the debt is gone!
  
• I want to acknowledge my Christmas Craft project and how much fun that was. I want to acknowledge making my way through The Artists Way which was wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. So wonderful that I plan to re-explore it this year in my Online Creativity Circle.
  
• I am proud that I have begun to write, to move further towards my creative dream. That fills me with excitement.

2. What is there to grieve about 2007?

It was disappointing to be in the position where I let someone treat me badly for longer than I should have. That experience is over now and I have let it go. It will never happen to me again.

Lots of things were scary! Too many to list. Traveling, starting my new job, writing, my credit card statements, getting a second dog. But I'm proud to say that even though these experiences were scary, I didn't let that stop me from doing them and trying to enjoy them. Sometimes it was hard, very hard.

I forgive myself for not being perfect. I forgive myself for not being kind to myself. I forgive myself for being selfish with my creative time and dreams.

3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?

I think I've said what needs to be said. I declare 2007 complete. Bring on 2008!

I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings

I just went looking for a copy of Maya Angelou's beautiful but sad poem "I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings". I found it, but underneath was another of Maya's beautiful poems entitled "Still I Stand":

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history's shame - I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain - I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear - I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear - I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

I had the honour of being in the Oprah audience when Maya Angelou was a guest and what an amazing woman she is! I remember they interviewed her son and he said "My mother's faith is like a rock - you can stand on it" and that will forever stay with me. Imagine faith so strong you can stand on it. It seems almost impossible to me. I remember reading an interview with Maya's son a few weeks back where the interviewer asked "What was it like growing up in your mother's shadow?" to which her son replied "I always thought I was her light". Again, remarkable.

The final part of the Q&A session with Maya and Oprah (also known as 'After the Show') saw a very pregnant woman ask Maya ad Oprah for words to put in her child's baby book. Oprah didn't have an answer - she told the woman to buy one of Maya's books. But Maya insisted on answering. It was almost six years ago but I remember her saying "This could be the child to put an end to racism. This could be the child to bring equality to this country and peace to the world. This could be the child who changes the world because this is possible and this will happen in your child's lifetime".

I feel crushed today. Like I have nothing left to give and I am beaten down, almost ready to give in...because if no one else believes, if no one else cares, why should I?

But now I will think of Maya and I. Will. Rise.

Sunday Scribblings - Foul

One of my favourite movies is Labyrinth. I remember watching it endlessly as a child and wanting to be Sarah, who while making the mistake of wishing the goblins would come and steal away her annoying half brother Toby, went above and beyond to get him back. I remember Jareth - King of the Goblins - who was played by David Bowie. I remember memorising the words as Sarah memorised them - You have no power over me. Years later I still remember Jareth pleading with Sarah - "Fear me, love me, do as I say...and I will be your slave". There are layers of meaning in that sentence and I think of it often, and how it can apply to relationships in my life, and the lives of others.



Something else I remember - and this is the part where I get to the prompt of "foul" - is Hoggle, the dirty little dwarf who tells Sarah the story of the "Bog of Eternal Stench". The story goes that if you get the tiniest amount of the bog on your skin, its foul stench will be with you for the rest of your life and can never ever be washed off. Or as Ludo, the big hairy friend of few words put it "SMEEELLLLLLL!"


I wonder if some actions and choices in life are similar to the Bog of Eternal Stench. Once done, they can never be undone and the memory of them follows you for the rest of your life. Some will be joyful - falling in love, standing alone in a cloud on a mountain, laughing so hard you almost wet your pants. Others are not so joyful - the way he just stopped breathing, the coffin, hateful words spoken, hearts broken. I worry about doing things that are so life changing that nothing will ever be the same. But really, what is there to lose?

Chop wood, carry water

Sometimes I wonder why I want to be a writer. It would be so much easier if I didn't. And part of me actually believes that I could just forget all about it and pretend that it doesn't make me feel alive, that it isn't the one thing in my life I know is right.

But it is a small part. Most of me knows that this is what I have to do. Perhaps I am guided by fate and truly have little say in it. I have been reading Wild Mind: Living the Writer's Life by Natalie Goldberg. It is a strange little book - bursting with wisdom and throbbing with a sort of dull ache. It makes me sad, even as it releases me. There are many exercises to try but at the moment I am just at the reading and digesting phase.

I seem to be having problems finishing books lately. I did finish The Intuitive Writer by Gail Sher, a book which literally fell apart in my hands as I read it. It is now in about 7 different parts and I am wondering if the librarian will think I have treated the book harshly. I have not. I am looking for a hidden meaning in the book falling paper (I meant to write apart and wrote "paper" so perhaps the book is giving me the hint to write and even supplying the paper!) and after typing this I seem to have found it.

I am interested in Zen thought, but I find it very very very hard to reconcile in my brain that ticks and buzzes and screams and looks for meaning in every. little. thing. Chop wood and carry water. It could take me the rest of my life to live that.

Maybe that is okay.

Sunday Scribblings - Miscellaneous

There are ingredients required for bone singing. The first is bones. Big surprise, huh? The second is 'graveyard dust' which is just a fancy expression for graveyard dirt. The third is darkness. I remember asking Michael why darkness was required, and the answer was typical of Michael. He said "because we are birthed from darkness into light and when we die, we return to the darkness." How very non-helpful. How very confusing. How very mysterious. How very Michael. There are also a lot of other miscellaneous ingredients which are not technically required, but are useful to have around. I like to have a blood relative of the deceased present. I'm not sure exactly why, but it strengthens the magic somehow - possibly because the living bones call to the dead bones through some kind of blood link. It is strongest between children and their parents, as one formed the other. But it works for Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, that sort of thing. I like to have candles lit. I know from reading the Aveda Necropolis that the ancient Bone Singers would have flaming torches mounted on the wall, but I prefer small pinpoints of light in the darkness, as opposed to great roaring flames. It seems more respectful, like the candles in the darkness are like stars twinkling in the night sky. It comforts me.

The singing itself is hard to describe, and I've tried. No one really understands how it works, or why. Michael reminds me frequently that it doesn't matter why it works, only that it does. But it is in my nature to question "why?" and "how?" so I muse over the process from time to time. The best I've come up with so far is that all living things have their own music - and I don't mean that in a hippie flower power earth hugging sort of way. It isn't music as we know it. It is a sort of universal chord - like "om" splintered into millions of different patters and tunes, and each living thing sings. Our bones have their own song - each unique and different. My gift is to hear how bones sing. "Hear" is a misnomer, though, as I don't use my ears to listen. I use a part of my mind, a centre of stillness in which all I hear is the sound of bones singing.