Sunday Scribblings - Wicked

There are some that will tell you a person is either good or wicked.

I disagree. Life is not black or white, but rather ever increasing shades of gray. In much the same way, one is not wicked or good, but instead one can span the spectrum. A little more good, a little more wicked, completely wicked, a "good Christian", someone who could be wicked but chooses not to be, someone who is horrified by the very concept of being wicked.

I remember the actual day when I realised I was more wicked than good.

I was watching a television show called "Hex". The story was that a young girl named Cassie was inextricably attracted to a fallen angel, Azazeal. The relationship was all wrong, and really, Azazeal was a complete shit. He tricked Cassie into sleeping with him, he killed her best friend, he stalked her and ultimately she would die for him. The one thing he had going for him was the fact that a part of his black soul did love Cassie and he was extraordinarily gentle with her and apparently the sex was amazing. Obviously as a viewer you're led to think "No Cassie, don't do it!" and for a while I was thinking that, even after she did sleep with him and her self destruction was inevitable. I remember the actual shift in my mind, like all of a sudden the turntable record player slipped its needle into another groove. This groove was unfamiliar in a way, but in another way it felt like coming home. Like this was the tune my body was playing all along, and my mind was only just catching up. Screw the world, I thought. If that was me, I'd choose Azazeal. Even if the world would come crumbling down around us. An inherently selfish decision, and definitely wicked.

It is strange to think I would revise my world view based on a story about a fallen angel. Then again, humans have been telling and retelling stories that feature key themes, such as good versus evil. What is the movie Transformers if it is not an epic battle of good versus evil? We're supposed to want good to win. "It's the right thing to do" people say. Right according to who I wonder? God? Not my God. But perhaps yours. Are you "good" because you're frightened that if you're not, they won't let you in the pearly gates at the end of this life? If that is so, you're not actually choosing. Your God is standing over you with a hefty 2 x 4 and you're doing whatever it takes not to be hit on the back of the head with it.

Maybe the human race is basically wicked and chooses to wear a thin veneer of good, to fool God and whoever else might be watching. I don't give a shit about that God, or the people watching, but I'm not totally wicked. If I was I would have more sex, more confidence and generally care less about everything but the moment. That sounds pretty damn good actually. Maybe all we have is this moment and the next and the sheer decadence and silky sexiness of being so wicked that it hurts. The good kind of hurt, that unfurls somewhere around your pelvis and unleashes pulses of the unexpected that force you to crawl over the hood of a car and seduce some bad boy in a leather jacket for everything he's got, and a few things he doesn't.