The Joy Diet: Truth in Failure

After my almost 15 minutes of stillness - this time lying down and trying to empty my mind - I ask the question Martha Beck poses - what am I feeling? The answer is failure.

Not so much failure at stillness (although I still find it to be very difficult to empty my mind and this has been the reason why meditation has never "stuck" as a practice for me) but just a sense of not being good enough, not knowing enough, not offering enough.

What hurts?
My heart, my losses and disappointments.

What is the painful story I am telling?
I am not good enough, nor will I ever be good enough. I have failed to complete tasks, failed to undertake tasks. My body has failed me, and I have failed it. I have disappointed people. There is no compassion for me, I am undeserving of that which I extend to others.

Can I be sure my painful story is true?
My painful story is equal parts truth and lie. I am not perfect (of course I'm not!) but I'm not a scumbag either. I have made mistakes, but they have mostly turned out for the best. What I see as failure is probably equal parts failure and success. All these so called failures have led me to this point, this moment and I am not unhappy with my life or my choices.

Is my painful story working?
Well, it is preventing me from embracing things that have happened to me in the past. It is restricting my vision of events with the sole heading of FAILURE. So no, I don't think I'm doing myself any favours.

Can I think of another story that might work better?
Oh yes. I am good enough and I have always been good enough. I have had many successes in life and I hold few regrets. The box labeled FAIL is not where I want to put events of my past, present or future. It restricts them - and me - and offers only the ugly sad side of things instead of the complex journey, the good parts of the bad parts, the learning and the understanding. I offer compassion to those ugly bits and I want to look harder and pick out the good stuff.