Oh boy.
I am very very very very tired of change. Let me explain why. I am Australian and usually live in Australia like all good little Australians. I am in San Antonio, Texas for three months (I have been here for five weeks) working over the university break. I am alone, I know no one in Texas and apart from a very brief visit to San Antonio some years ago, the city is unknown to me.
I live with change 24/7. Nothing is familiar to me. Not food, not places, not tv, not people, I have no friends, save the ones I have made in the last five weeks. I do not know where everything is, I do not have a car and am reliant on the crappy and sometimes downright frightening public bus system. I am alone in a sea of change.
Sometimes I cry, everything overwhelms me and the strangeness and sheer alien environment crashes upon me relentlessly like waves pounding the shore of my homeland. Sometimes I dive through the waves and come up the other side. Sometimes I almost half drown as the sea churns me up and spits me out, lungs full of brackish sea water. Sometimes, very rarely, the waves lift me up and I am more than I think I am and I am closer than ever to who I want to be.
And that is why I am here, why I stay. Because three months in an environment of constant change is guaranteed to shake your soul to the fucking ground and bring you to places psychologically, physically, mentally and creatively that three years at home, in your safe and familiar environment couldn't do.
I am bold, I am adventurous. I am not always happy about it, but at least I have the balls to put myself through this and push the boundaries of who I am. It is a small victory, but a victory none the less.
6 comments:
Hi, just happnd to stumble onto ur blog...didn't know Texas cld be so tough..and u seem like an interesting person..i don't even know u, but just wantd to tell u, cheer up dear..don't get so down on urself :) hugs..
Yeah, that kind of change can be really tough, but you seem determined to make the best of it - good luck!
trite advice, but stop diving through, and start riding 'em.
bend don't break.
go with the flow, that way you should be able to mould it to your purposes...
it is tough, but worth it.
and a final cliche, what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger...
I'm sure you can cope, just relax and deal with it as stress free as you can.
gosh, this comment makes me sound a right asshole :)
have fun.
Reminds me a lot of when I was stationed in Germany. For the first several months I was flat out miserable, but eventually it got better to the point that I didnt want to leave once it was time. The biggest difference for me at the time was trying to learn the language. After that I went from 'just another foreigner' to 'at least a foreigner that is TRYING'. That helps you not at all since you already speak English, but perhaps you can use the same idea sort of at least by showing an interest in the local activities whether it be football, horses or whatever. In short 'when in rome do as the romans do'. Being in Texas perhaps that means you need to grab your crotch, walk like you have diaper rash, spit on the sidewalk and say 'yall' as often as possible. Seriously though, it will get better I would have to beleive. Hope it does anyways. Take it easy and good to see you again.
BD
Boy do I know how that feels, being in an "alien environment." That's been my life for the past...forever. Forever moving. Always a foreigner.
Your reasons for keeping on, however, are different from mine. I have no choice, and you do.
I hope that eventually everything will work out somehow. Your choice is admirable, to "push the boundaries." Seriously.
Boy can I sympathize, I moved to Indiana last year and have little hope of escape for some time. Looking back, this could be the best three months of your life!
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