Sunday Scribblings: I believe...

I believe in less than I used to.

Loss does that to a person.

Things have been snatched from my tight grasp, tearing fingernails and flesh. My legs tremble, my nerves jump erratically under my skin and my breath becomes shallow, so shallow it seems as if I'll never breathe deeply again. Around that corner is someone who means me harm. He'll carve his name on my virgin flesh as I accept the horror, safe in the knowledge that it could be worse because I know worse, and expect no better.

But you don't know that, do you? You don't know what "worse" is. Smile your golden smile and accept the graciousness of the world. For every one of you, there are ten of me. We, with bones snapped, black blood seeping, organs pierced and hearts shredded...we suffer so that you may believe.

Hard times come to us all, of course. You will one day lose your smile, your moment in the sun. You'll join our ranks of pain and fear. It's not all bad, you know. After all, the worst has happened and now you can spend the rest of your days on hands and knees, searching through the tattered remains of your beliefs for that most elusive of things - hope.

Sunday Salon: Books Galore

I've been absent from the Sunday Salon for a while. I've thought about posting, but just haven't quite got there. The reading has continued of course, so I'm going to talk about The Subtle Knife, Red Leather Diary: Reclaiming a Life Through the Pages of a Lost Journal, Standing at Water’s Edge - Moving Past Fear, Blocks, and Pitfalls to Discover the Power of Creative Immersion and American Gods.


I read Neil Gaiman's American Gods a few months back, after enjoying his young adult novel Coraline so much. American Gods was an incredibly memorable book. I read a lot and even if I enjoy a book it tends to go a little fuzzy after a while. Not so with American Gods, parts of which are still razor sharp in my mind. Characters and scenarios still come to my mind often, even after a few months which is always the sign of a great book. I won't say it was an easy read (particularly the last third or so) but it was continually surprising and unwound itself like 20 metres of red ribbon on a blanket of white snow. I didn't know where to look thought, or what evocative image to entertain. I wanted to read the book in snippets, digesting it slowly, and savouring the complicated stories of how Gods were transported to America, and their slow decline. I thought Gaiman's tension between the old Gods and the new Gods (I loved the idea of the Chrome Gods, who received hundreds of thousands of sacrifices every year from people in car accidents and the drug gods, who again were worshipped in the thousands). I felt like things came a little undone at the end and I wasn't necessarily satisfied with how the final battle went down (or didn't), but what a hell of a ride.


The Red Leather Diary was a nice little find. I can't remember who recommended it to me, but it arrived on my loan shelf at the library just before Christmas. It even had its own red tag - THIS BOOK IS IN HEAVY DEMAND, return it fast or we'll hunt you down - you know the sort of thing. I read a few pages when I left the library and I was hooked. Lily Koppel discovered Florence's diary in an old trunk being thrown out in her apartment building in New York. It detailed the life of Florence, a young girl who was 14 at the start of the diary and 19 at its end, who had a passion for writing, art, men and women and life in general. It faithfully documents New York City in the 20's and 30's and is a wonderful, colourful read. A writer for the New York Times, Koppel wrote a piece on the diary which she then decided to turn into a book. The young girl who wrote the journal is now an old woman of 90, but still with plenty of vigour and passion. The book isn't just transcribed diary entries, but is rather broken into subject matter and interspersed with interviews Koppel did with the 90 year old Florence and her friends and surviving family. In short, it is fascinating and I highly, highly recommend it.


The Subtle Knife is the second of Philip Pullman's award winning Golden Compass series. I bought the omnibus a while back and I've been wading through it. The Subtle Knife was actually an easier read for me than His Dark Materials, possibly because I'd seen the movie and pretty much knew what the main plot points were, which didn't create much mystery or intrigue. The second book is very different from the first and I can understand the reluctance of filmmakers to commit to filming the trilogy. However, I loved the character of Will and I felt Lyra was much more sure of herself in this book and hence a bit less whiny. This was very much the story of two children. I missed Iorek, and of course the loss in this book of one of my favourite characters saw me crying my eyes out. So sad. :( I can also understand the whole religious uproar around the books now. The first book isn't at all controversial in terms of the church. Critical yes, controversial no. But the second one takes it to a new level with the idea of Lord Asriel finding God and planting a knife in his chest. I love controversy though, and I love ballsy plot choices. More power to you, Philip Pullman.


That's a microscopic image of Anne Paris' Standing at Water’s Edge - Moving Past Fear, Blocks, and Pitfalls to Discover the Power of Creative Immersion. The good news: I can relate to all of Paris' main points in this book. It is definitely speaking to me and I'm finding that it has a wonderfully refreshing take on creativity and some new ideas. The bad news: It reads like a Phd thesis. It is impossibly cemented in a bunch of academic references and talk about parenting and how if your parents didn't tell you your drawings were great when you were a kid you became moody and withdrawn and can't be your own best friend etc etc. Some of this info is interesting, but after a while it just becomes redundant. We wouldn't be reading this book if we were having a great artistic life. Let's all agree we weren't really encouraged as children and stop belabouring the point! I also think more examples from Paris' clinical work would be great too. I'm sticking with this book because like I said, it is speaking to me. But I'm used to academic texts and I can imagine it might be a bit heavy going if you're not as forgiving as I'm willing to be.

And that, my friends, is it for my Sunday Salon. It's my birthday this week and I know at least 2 delicious books are headed my way and I also have almost $100.00 worth of vouchers to use up this week in local bookstores so yay! Happy reading.

Remington Typewriters and Red Leather Diaries

I requested this book at the library some time ago. I can't even remember where I heard about it. Maybe I should work on that. Writing down where the recommendation comes from. Except of course it is hard enough to write down the book title and I've only just started a separate little book filled with "must reads".

Anyway, I went to return Kim Harrison's Where Demons Dare and asked if there were any books on hold for me. Two were, one of which is the a fore referenced The Red Leather Diary: Reclaiming a Life Through the Pages of a Lost Journal. I sat in the car and read the inside cover, which had me sitting in the car for a little longer starting to read the prologue. I decided to actually get out of the car and take this fascinating book to the coffee shop and read it while I drank coffee and ate croissant. So I did, and I've been reading it on and off all day. Not too much, and not too little. Just the right amount to immerse myself in the New York of the 20's. On page 72 I came across a picture of a Remington typewriter, made in 1928 and painted lavender that the diarist had convinced her parents to buy for her. I was suddenly seized with the need to touch my Remington typewriter.



To say that it is mine is a little misleading. This Remington typewriter belonged to my Grandmother or my Great Grandmother and has been sitting in my father's shed for all almost-32 years of my life. I've never seen it operational and I have no idea whether or not it can be made operational. All I know is that it is time to try and restore it. I actually know nothing about restoring typewriters. A helpful website here suggests I start with a soft damp cloth and go from there, so I'm going to give it a try tomorrow. The website also suggests some steel wool and a few other cleaning products (alcohol for the keys apparently) so I'll get those tomorrow too and see what I can see. So far I know there is a LOT of rust, so that will take some getting rid of. Plus, I suspect that not really knowing what I'm doing will be a problem at some point. But for now, I'm just excited!

Here are some pictures of my Remington's current sad state:



This is the "carry case". You seriously do NOT want to know how heavy this typewriter is. Maybe it is made out of iron???


Despite the sheer amount of rust visible, and the very fact I'm restoring a typewriter when what I don't know about typewriters could fill a warehouse, I'm still excited about my project. I feel a strong sense of serendipity here. I'm a writer, and I have to assume that my Grandmother or my Great Grandmother (who both died about 20 years before I was born) was a writer. Why the hell else would they drag this incredibly heavy typewriter out from England when they moved to Australia?

I'm a writer. And maybe, just maybe, this is a Grandmother's gift to a granddaughter she knew she would never meet. I couldn't think of a better present.

I. Want. This. Library.

I want this guy's library.

I mean, seriously. If I was a dot com millionaire, this is exactly what I'd do with all that money.

Soul Coaching: Day Eighteen

Day Eighteen: Being Present and Saying Yes to Life

I've been quiet the last few days. I've been at a three day conference with work, and it has been such a struggle to find joy there. I managed to find some joy - my work colleagues making me laugh, the good food, how I could read my book in the breaks, the fact that the coffee was decent - but it was difficult. Basically I've outgrown my job and I'm ready for something more challenging and I've known that for a while. This week has reinforced that feeling.

Over the past year I have become very good at using "could" instead of "should". I'm a writer, so I am very careful with words, or at least I try to be.

As for today, well, I understand the idea behind living in the present moment. I do try - and I tried again today - but I think I have a life that makes it very difficult to be. here. right. now. I have letters today about my superannuation and retirement savings - I'm in my early 30's, but I have to plan now, according to them. There is a credit card statement with a due date in the future. I have a job interview on Monday (hooray for fire!) and I must prepare for that. I have to go to work tomorrow so I need to have clothes prepared or I'll be searching for something half decent in the morning. My dogs need to be fed soon, and I must take Mollie to the vet about her eye.

See? All of these things are important and my choices mean at least part of me must be in the future. I also like to spend part of my time in the past - my wonderful holiday to Europe was in July - should I just forget that because it is over? No, plus that holiday had an effect on who I am now.

I just don't think it is as simple as be right here in the moment all the time, no matter how much I appreciate the sentiment.

Soul Coaching: Day Fifteen

Day Fifteen: Confronting Fear/Developing Faith

Would you rather be good or whole?

Unequivocably, I would rather be whole.

I am afraid of how bright my light can shine, of being successful beyond my wildest imaginings, of being a mother, of never being truly loved for who I am, of dying before I've lived, of losing more of the people close to me, of working full time for the rest of my life and yet never being of any use, of never sleeping again, of never being held again, of my dogs running away due to carelessness, of going blind or deaf, of drowning in my own depression.

If I am never loved for who I am, I will survive. I will have been true to myself, to who I am and I will love myself for who I am. Which is really the most important thing, right?

I am willing to fail, and fail epicly and fantastically. To go down in flames, if you'll excuse the pun in this fire week we're in. I'll go down in flames if I must, but before I go down, I'll go up, even if for a few glorious seconds. Then I'll try again and I'll go up for a few more seconds.

Great things can be built, one brick at a time, one step at a time, one fearless action at a time.

I believe this.

Soul Coaching: Day Fourteen

Day Fourteen: Releasing Victim Thinking/Choosing Your Life

Isn't this interesting? This is something I have been working at for a long time now, and I have been paying specific attention to it during the course of Soul Coaching. I am very careful with my language these days.

I'm so stupid becomes That was silly of me, I will be more present in this moment

I'm just not lucky becomes I'm very lucky, and abundance is all around me

I'm so angry that she said that becomes How can I understand this person better?

This whole self improvement thing is difficult. It would be much easier to sit in the corner and blame the world for everything, taking no responsibility. I know people like that. But I pity them. I want to live my life and be happy. I want to have dreams and goals. I want to risk everything for the promise of something. A life lived in fear is a life half lived, and I want so very much to be fully alive.

Who I am is enough, just as I am

Soul Coaching: Day Thirteen

Day Thirteen: Attitude of Gratitude

I could be more grateful. I am grateful for my life, my health, my family and friends, my job. It's the little details I get caught up in and somehow I let them eclipse everything else, until all I can see is irritating details.

Here are the things I am grateful for today:

• My body and the way it carries me around, the fact that I can walk, talk and breath and I live in a pain free way
• My job, for it brings me money and a car and the ability to improve my skills
• The kindness of the people at the cocktail function I worked at this evening, who were all extremely nice to me
• My ability to write, and I am grateful for Chris Baty (creator of NaNoWriMo and all round cutie) who created a great program to kick me into gear with my novel
• My dogs and how much joy and happiness they bring me
• The availability of good fresh food, and my ability to buy it
• The people I work with who make me laugh
• My Mum and her unrelenting support of everything that is me
• My 46 year old bird (he's a pink and grey galah and his name is Cocky, or The Cockster if you're a close friend), just for being around and being himself
• To the muses for inspiring me
• For all my books and my love of reading

You know...there is a lot to be grateful for. I think I just need to stop and remind myself of that more often.

Soul Coaching: Day Twelve

Mossy Rocks, Isle of Cumbrae, Scotland

Soul Coaching: Day Twelve

In the centre of my being, there is always stillness and peace

I've had a rough couple of days. I thought about using a different word to "rough", but rough sums it up pretty well. I received some feedback at work which while it was framed in a very positive and careful manner was still negative feedback. And what really sucks, is that I know the feedback is true.

Sometimes I think I'm getting a grasp on myself and moving through the world and I'm abruptly brought down to earth with a bump, cuffed over the ear and told "You've got a lot to learn, kid." I wonder if it is wrong of me to think I'm evolving into something more. Maybe evolving isn't a linear process - sometimes I'm way ahead, sometimes I'm just behind and it sort of jumps all over the place.

I agree with Denise Linn when she says that working through soul coaching will bring these things to light in our lives. I suppose it makes sense that the light will shine on areas of my life that I would rather stay hidden in the dark.

Today's Level 1 suggestion is to slow down. I tried, but my mind is racing a million miles an hour and I've had such a busy few days. All excuses. I think I'm just hurt right now, and if I slow down too much I'll have to sit in that place and I just don't want to.

Soul Coaching: Day Eleven

I have no words for the soul coaching journey today. Only water filled photographs...

Venice, Italy

Paris as seen from the Eiffel Tower

The ocean view from Wee Cumbrae, Scotland

Lake Lucerne, Switzerland

Scarborough Beach, Western Australia

My home.

Soul Coaching: Day Ten

Botanical Gardens, San Antonio, Texas

Day Ten: What Are Your Energy Zappers

I am moving into harmony with everyone and everything in my universe

I chanted this affirmation this morning as I did some cleaning. I got the words a bit muddled around, but the intention is there. I carefully put aside some time in my work day to work on both the Level 1 and the Level 2 activities.

Level 1: Identify Your Energy Zappers

Here is my list of energy zappers:

Work - I don't like working full time; I'm not being challenged at work so my motivation is low; there is conflict with my work team; I get frustrated at the lack of anything remotely resembling uniform processes and procedure.

Life - I feel like I spend too much time at the supermarket, I don't like clutter and mess but I let things get that way, I feel like I don't read enough; debt zaps my energy; junk food and not exercising zap my energy; feeling disconnected and alone.

I came up with a series of good solutions, such as looking for another job, going to the sueprmarket once every 2 weeks and stocking up, making a small amount of time each day to tidy up, exercising more, eating less junk food, calling my friends at least once a month to stay in touch.

Level 2: Identify What Juices Your Energy

Here is my list: exercise (yoga and walking), writing, reading, playing the piano, spending time with my friends, the rain, planning holidays, being with like minded souls, lighting candles, being with my dogs, self exploration, creativity in all its forms, water and swimming.

From this list I put together some solutions that include finding a yoga class, going swimming either at the beach or at the swimming pools at least once every 2 weeks, turning the tv off and reading more, start planning a holiday, making more time to be creative.

Now comes the more difficult part - scheduling these activities into my life. I have a wonderful book by Barbara Sher called Wishcraft which talked about how you start with your goal - say, to exercise more - and then work backwards, exploring what I would need to do to exercise more, waht sort of exercise, early morning or evening classes, group classes or individual, costs etc etc. It's a great way to work through goals and I have used the process extensively with my goal of become a writer and publishing a novel. Those goals are not done yet, but at least I'm on my way.

Now, I'm off to fill up my beautiful water bottle from Switzerland and have a nice cold drink of water.

Soul Coaching: Day Nine

Day 9: Examining the Meaning That You Give Your Life

Firstly, I am excited that Jamie used my photo today. I took the photo at Villa Sumaya on Lake Atilan in Guatemala in February last year. It was a little nook in a wall right on the lake, with a tap and a bowl make of a sweet rock mosaic. With the lovely flowers it made for a beautiful picture. I hope everyone has enjoyed it!

Secondly, I didn't have time for more cleaning today. I spent most of the day at work (this full time work business gets in the way of a lot of the things I want to do!) and then this evening I went out with a friend for dinner and then I had to make my NaNoWriMo word count so I am feeling pretty tired and cranky right now.

I find it hard to give people or events the benefit of the doubt. The example Denise Linn gives in the book is if someone cuts me off in traffic I could choose to believe they were running late or their husband was in labour or whatever, but I usually think "what a jerk". The same when someone cuts me off in a grocery store line or walks into me because they weren't looking where they were going. What I actually want to say to them is:

I'm sorry, is your need greater than mine?

Because it isn't. All our needs are great. Mine are not more important than theirs and vice versa. It is very hard to for me to feel compassionate and forgiving towards people who lack personal insight and are unable to see outside of their own experience. I won't apologise for this.

There are other things I can reframe - my language use, the way I think of my body, forgiving myself for mistakes (I'm only human, after all!) and most of all believing in myself.

Lit Flicks Challenge - I'm in!

Okay, so I've actually been a part of the Lit Flicks Challenge since September 1, but I am only just getting around to writing my sign up post. Er, whoops! Well, better late than never, right?

Here are the books I'm going to read for the challenge:

The Horse Whisperer

Memoirs of a Geisha

Casino Royale

The Witches of Eastwick

Eragon

Man on Fire

I've actually already read the first two - which I'll post about separately. The idea is that you read at least 5 books, and watch at least 2 of the film adaptations and then post reviews and join in on conversations and stuff. I'm a little behind, but I'm hoping to catch up with some reviews and some chatter. I just LOVE talking about books!

Soul Coaching: Day Eight

Day Eight: Exploring the Turning Points of Your Life

I unconditionally accept my feelings...and what I feel is not who I am

I'm excited to begin the week of water. More excited than poor little Eeyore in the picture above, anyway! I love the water. I live near the ocean and as a child I spent my summers learning how to swim. I don't get to swim anywhere near as much as I used to, but I still have that love of water and the way it cushions my weight and holds me up.

I have chosen to do the Level 1 activity today: What Were the Turning Points in Your Life? This is a big question.

The turning point that comes to mind is a recent one. I mentioned early last week about a friend who said something to me that I chose to take in a way that made me feel "bad". I picked my language for that sentence very carefully - I chose to feel bad about what he said. I allowed him to bring out feelings of guilt and remorse. As they say in therapy, use the 'I' statements. I can't sit here and say "He made me feel bad. He didn't have to say that. He was mean." I'm all about the personal responsibility.

I am not sure, but I know that our friendship needs to change, or perhaps its end has come. I remember several years ago I met up with this friend and I was in a quiet space. He said "You're quiet today" and I said "Yes". We sat in silence for a while and he said again "This is very quiet" and I said "You could always ask me questions" and he looked and me and said "But that isn't how this works". That may be, but now is the time for our friendship to change or for me to let go.

I feel at peace with this and I feel this has the potential to be a major turning point. I hope everyone else's day eight has been as interesting as mine.

Soul Coaching: Day Seven

Day Seven: Exploring Your Soul Mission in Life

I had such fun with this exercise today. I told my Mum about it, so when we were doing things together I'd say to her "Maybe this is a soul message" and she'd say "I think there might be a message here". It was fun. :)

Here are the words and messages I heard today:

• I need to be challenged
• I want to help people
• I need space
• I am a good listener
• I am here to learn
• I am here to write and tell stories
• I need to travel and explore the earth
• Freedom is essential to my life
• There is a lot of good in people
• Embrace life - now is the moment I have been waiting for

I went to a street fair with my Mum and I was looking at all these wonderful books (they were only $1 each - what a bargain!) and I had one of my dogs with me. A man behind me said very loudly "If I could just get this dog out of my way I could get in there". I felt bad, but it was a very small space and really only one person could look at a time, whether they had a dog or not. I didn't say anything but I felt sad about it. I waited in the shade (it is spring in Australia and it can get very hot!) with my two dogs while my Mum went to have a look around and lots of people smiled at the dogs and I and a few stopped to pat them and tell them how beautiful they are. I thought to myself "I must think more about the 10 people who loved my dogs and less about the one man who was mean". Then my Mum returned with the water and a bookmark which had LOVE written on it and a picture. "Look, another sign" she said to me. Indeed it was.

Who I am is enough

I completed Level 1 today, and am keen to revisit Level 2 and 3.

Farewell, air. This week has been revealing and interesting. I felt both bashed about by your winds and held aloft by them. I feel like I am finding parts of myself on this journey, collecting them all in a jar and bringing them all into communion with one another.

Now, I can't wait to go and read about everyone else's day 7!

Soal Coaching: Day Six

Day Six: Lightening Up - Letting Ho While Doing More Clutter-Clearing

I am safe and centred no matter where I am

I chose to do Level 2 today. I must say that I wasn't really in the mood for Soul Coaching today. I tried the mediation Denise Linn suggests, but I find still meditation to be so very difficult. My mind likes to follow paths, so when I do meditate (which isn't often) I choose spoken meditations because then at least my brain has something to do.

I did Schedule Time to Relax - I watched Sex and the City The Movie on DVD (love it!) and went to a 2 hour writing session with some local people also involved in NaNoWriMo. Finding time for myself is not something I struggle with. As a matter of fact I get tired of self development books saying "make time for you" and "when was the last time you did something for you?" or "when was the last time you were alone?" I am alone with myself all the time. Sometimes I am completely and utterly sick of my own company! I understand these statements are targeted usually at women with children, but still.

There is more clutter clearing I could do and I am hoping to shake this mood and be more interested in clearing my desk space tomorrow. For now, I think I'll go to bed.

Soul Coaching: Day Five

Day Five: Clutter - Energy Up/Energy Down

I am writing this post from work (thank goodness I am well practiced in the art of sneakiness! Also, it is a Friday afternoon so I think this is okay) and the image above of Chewbacca is one I can relate to - papers everywhere, post it notes with mysterious scribbles on it. I know if I look behind me my colleague has a post it note on her wall that reads "Interview Chicken Apprenticeship." I have no idea what that means, but it makes me giggle. It also raises the point that being organised in the office is very important.

Today's affirmation is:

Fresh, invigorating energy fills my life.

Today I chose Level 2, so Energy Up/Energy Down and Clutter Questionnaire and Clearing One Area. This is a very involved task - or at least, it could be if I choose for it to be. Like Denise says, decluttering can take time. For me, it is all about micromovements. One drawer here, one shelf there and before you know it, I will be completely decluttered!

I started with my office today. Well, it is more of a cubicle. An office implies walls! I took everything out of my bookshelves, everything off my desk and gave it a good clean. I gave items away to other staff members and piled all of the paperwork I need to go through into some trays. I filed all my client folders that have been hanging around on my desk (that's a no-no when it comes to confidentiality too. I want to be more careful about that. I WILL be more careful and responsible about putting client files away) and rearranged my origami (I have an origami everyday calendar and I do one piece every day. Now that it is November I have quite a collection!) and gave away some pieces and threw others in the rubbish bin.

The result is I feel a lot more focused and a lot more motivated. My colleagues have even commented on how wonderful my desk looks and how they would like to clean up their own!

I am keen to complete the rest of the checklist for the other areas of my house and my life. In my bedroom I have recently given away a lot of clothes that I retained for the reasons Denise mentions. I feel good about that! I need to do some more organisation though and when I get home I will do some energy up/energy down exercises in there. I reorganised the bathroom the other day and threw out lots of stuff. There are still some things under the sink that need organising though. My vehicle requires a service, which I plan on organising in January. My home office and desk need some organisation.

I really enjoyed the before and after photographs other people shared on their blogs. Very interesting. Also, thank you to those people who have commented on my blog. I really appreciate sharing this journey with you all.

Soul Coaching: Day Four

This is my photo! I'm so happy Jamie used it on The Next Chapter:Soul Coaching blog

Day Four: Where Are You Now in Your Life?

I read this day last night as I am still trying to catch up to everyone else after my slow start. I keep telling myself I am exactly where I need to be and it is helping, but I thought I might be able to do a sneaky "two days in one" with days three and four. I immediately knew I would be doing myself a disservice if I didn't explore day four in its own time.

Today was a trying day for me. I had a strange conversation with a long time friend of mine yesterday. We were talking about politics and he said some things and I said some things. He'd reacted strangely to a comment I'd made so I sent him an email apologising. I wasn't sure I needed to do that, but he's a good friend so I sent it anyway. This morning I read an email from him that said You were very insensitive. I was very unhappy with you. I'll get over it. I read it and I thought it was totally ridiculous. I was happy Obama won and he would have preferred McCain did. This is not a big deal. I immediately thought "who is he to say such things to me?"

I believe in the synchronicity of this book. Oh yes, I do.

Here we are talking about decluttering and letting go and here I am with an email that seems to be trying to make me feel bad about something very silly. Do I need this in my life? No. I do not.

This set my day off on a strange foot, and I never quite recovered. I paid close attention to observing how I react to things. I listened extra carefully to what people were saying to me. Here is what I heard:

• You are cynical
• You are negative
• You are making me feel bad
• You are efficient
• You are proactive
• You make me laugh
• You could have done that, or is that you SHOULD have done that?
• I disagree with you
• I agree with you
• I hear you
• We forgot about you
• Go away
  

It was an interesting exercise, and I feel a bit scraped raw from it. I am certainly not a perfect human being, but I try hard. Here are the more negative statements re-worded, as Denise Limm suggests.

• I am a realist
  
• I was having a low motivation day
  
• I could have been more sensitive in that situation
  
• I am efficient
• I am proactive
• I am funny
  
• I could have done that, but I chose to do something else
• I have a different point of view from some people
• I put forward engaging points of view that reflect the current climate at work
• I have people at work who understand what I am saying and support me
• We misplaced the meeting agenda and we're sorry. Next week is a better time for us.
• We're busy at the moment, but we look forward to seeing you next week.
  

I like the second list much more than the first list! I want to work on thinking more in these terms than the first list. It's like learning to drive a car - the negative words and thoughts are automatic and I have to re-learn how to drive my brain so I can slow down and replace them with positives.

It has been a hard day for me today.

Soul Coaching: Day Three

Day Three: Clearing Clutter in Your Bedroom/Bathroom

I am feeling the synchronicity of today. Several months ago I cleaned out one of my bathroom drawers and never quite got to putting everything back in. Today was the perfect opportunity for me to work on Level 1: Clutter-Clear One Small Area. My drawer is just perfect now. I am really enjoying looking at everything in its place, and I am also congratulating myself on throwing out some more items as I went through everything. A few months ago I thought I needed that extra makeup, or the lipstick I haven't worn since 2003. But today I knew it was time to release and let go. Of old make up, yes, but also of all the other things in my life that do not serve me.

Today's affirmation is:

There is clarity within me and around me

Indeed. There is certainly clarity in my writing, which served me well today.

Soul Coaching: Day Two

Day Two: Making a Commitment to Change Your Life

Today's affirmation is:

I honour my commitments to myself and to others

I try very hard to do this, but like most people, I do not always succeed. I have again chosen Level 1 due to the fact I am a few days behind the group. I am definitely keen to revisit the Level 2 and 3 Day Two exercises in the future. I think they are very interesting and insightful questions.

My Level 1 Activity is: Commit to Take One Empowering Action Daily. I am SO excited by this and I knew instantly what I would choose - Dancing with wild abandon. I love to dance. I used to rush home from high school before anyone else got home, turn up the CD player very loudly and dance for about half an hour. I couldn't wait to move my body. I haven't done that in a really long time, but I am really eager to get to it.

My body is starting to wake up...hallelujah! I'm off to dance up a storm.

Soul Coaching: Day One

Day One: Life Assessment

I'm a few days behind on Soul Coaching but I'm trying not to let that bother me. I have happily read the overview for Day 1 and I took some really deep breaths and put the affirmation to work:

My evaluation of myself is not who I am

That affirmation has given me considerable thought and I am still processing it. If I am not who I think I am, then who am I? What a fascinating question...

I have chosen Level 1 for today's activity, mainly because I am a little behind and am keen to get back on track. The author of Soul Coaching, Denise Linn, says that it is fine to revisit activities later on so I hope to come back to the more time consuming activities for Day One later in the month.

The Level 1 Activity is: Assessing Your Life. Where am I in my life right now?
Health - I am keen for both my physical and mental health to reinvigorate my exercise and healthy eating program. Today, I feel like I have eaten too much food and I haven't eaten food that my body truly wants. I've let my body become clogged with fats and sugars again. They make so much noise and so many demands, I can't hear what my body truly needs. I want to hear again.
Relationships - I am happy in my relationships with my family and friends. I want to put some more time into a couple of my friends I haven't seen in a while, so I will make plans with them this week.
Finances - I feel like I am making progress in paying off my debts. They are happy debts (or as happy as debts can be!) as I have more than enough money to pay them back and the money already spent went towards a wonderful holiday. I want to continue to pay off what I owe and then start saving for the next holiday.
Career - This is a tough one. My job is not the perfect job. It's okay, and there are parts of it I really enjoy. There are large parts of it that I don't find as enjoyable. I know it is not the "right" job for me (whatever that means) and I am exploring alternatives. I need challenges and fresh ideas.
Creativity - My main creative outlet is writing. I've signed up for NaNoWriMo this month, which requires me to write at least 1,666 words a day in order to meet the 50,000 word goal by November 30. I fell a little behind, but I'm only about 900 words behind now and I've written 5756 words. I'm so proud of myself! I like to paint and journal too, but both those activities have gotten a bit lost, so I want to return to them. They make me happy.
Spiritual Fulfillment - I am starting to re-explore my spiritual beliefs and spiritual life. Slowly, slowly. It is too fragile to try and analyse or explain at this point. I want my spirituality to be re-discovered and re-defined in an organic, natural way. I am committed to this.

My intention for the next 28 days is to learn to really listen to myself - mind, body and spirit. I intend to put extra effort into reconnecting with these parts of myself. I will be mor conscious of what I feed my body. I will connect with my spirituality. I wil write and paint and journal. I will turn off the tv and put down the book to actually do these things. I will nurture my relationships and make myself aware of how I travel through my life. I will choose to see he positive in a sea of negative.

Finally, a few things to share on air. I wandered outside today at my office. We have gardens filled with rose bushes that are well over 50 years old. I carefully cut some flowers (only the ones almost finished blooming with no other buds) and spent some time avoiding the thorns and watching the butterflies. They were beautiful. I saw a vivid orange one zoom off on a breeze and I realised it didn't know where it was going, but it was GOING. I am going. I am not sure where, but I'm going.

I was sitting in my lounge room and telling my Mum that I couldn't bear to hear any more sad news. I heard my soul speak to me. It said "You must let the happiness and the good times take up more space in your heart than the sadness and the bad times." How remarkable.

Soul Coaching: Intention Post

Cathedral of the Isles, Cumbrae, Scotland

I am very excited to be a part of Jamie's group exploring the book Soul Coaching by Denise Linn. I signed up about a month ago and then promptly forgot to request the public library's copy of the book. Luckily for me I managed to find it at a library relatively close to me and I picked it up on the way home from work tonight. I feel like I'm a little bit behind, but everything I've read on Jamie's site and in the book so far makes me feel like I was supposed to come to this a bit late and the most important thing is I am here now and I am ready to participate.

The first task is to set an intention for this 28 day journey. Goodness. I have to say I haven't given the process much thought. I want to connect with others and share the journey, I know that. I want to learn more about myself. I want to connect to the deep part of me that wants to be heard. I want to nurture myself and be kind. I want to commit to changing anything and everything that isn't serving me.

This is a good beginning.

Sunday Salon: Catch Up

This week is a catch up post of the books I've been reading over the past few weeks. I've finished up Memoirs of a Geisha, The Lost Slayer and Untangling My Chopsticks. I'm almost done with Phillip Pullman's The Subtle Knife.

This is the movie poster, but the cover of my book looks the same. Typical Hollywood - Chiyo's eyes are grey in the book, not sky blue.

Memoirs of a Geisha is one of the books I'm reading for the Litflicks Challenge. I'll write more about it when I do the Litflicks review post for it. It is a wonderful book, made all the more real to me as I have walked the paths of the Gion district of Kyoto and been to a traditional tea house where Geisha (or Geiko as they prefer to be called in Kyoto) lived and worked. I find the concept fascinating and I enjoyed the book immensely. I think the book would have had even more of an impact if I hadn't seen the movie. As it was, there were few surprises. I enjoyed the detailed beginning and the ending which were different than the movie. I also appreciated the complex relationships that were conveyed much better in the book than in the movie.

I started Memoirs just after finally finishing Untangling My Chopsticks. I had to push through the remainder of Chopsticks and in the end, I was glad that I did. I also had a powerful hunger for Japanese food and ate it practically all week! As a matter of fact, I could eat some right now... Parts of this book were fairly shallow, especially where the relationships of the friends the author made in Kyoto were concerned. I got the feeling Victoria didn't even like some of them, and despite their kindness towards her, she had little compassion or warmth towards them in her descriptions, with the exception of the couple she lived with for a short time. I also thought the ending was odd - [spoiler] Victoria is offered a year long teaching job at the end of the book but declines it because she feels she might end up like her quasi-friends, a gay couple who have lived in Kyoto for 14 years and never quite fitted in. Um...hello? It is a bit different living in a country like Japan for 2 years and living there for 14 years! Basically I think she just wanted to get back to her boyfriend in the US. No shame in that, but at least be honest about your motivations. The food parts were overly detailed and I found myself skimming over ingredients I didn't understand and can't imagine. I much preferred the chapters of the book that detailed living in Kyoto as a foreigner, and I suspect there are better books that explore this theme.

I wrote about The Lost Slayer in my last Sunday Salon post. It continued to be enjoyable right up to the end. I think Christopher Golden did a great job of the four books that make up the Lost Slayer collection and my return to the Buffyverse was fun and unpredictable. Anyone who loves Buffy should seriously read this book.


As I said, I'm almost at the end of Phillip Pullman's second book in The Golden Compasses series. The Subtle Knife is much more interesting to me than the first book, His Dark Materials. It could be the old "seen the movie, book isn't surprising as I know what is going to happen" and it could be that I find the concept of the proud taking on the throne to be compelling. I remember writing when I was reading Materials that I couldn't see what all the fuss was about in regards to the religious implications of Pullman's books and a few Sunday Salon-ers posted "Wait until the second and third novels" and boy were they right. I know there has been some debate as to whether the second book will be made into a movie and I can understand if it isn't. It doesn't lend itself to filmaking in the same way the first one did and to me, it feels very much like a bridge from the beginning to the end, which it undoubtedly is as the middle book in a trilogy. The only downside is my three book omnibus is mighty heavy to carry around and take to work. Also, how awesome is Pullman at giving titles to his books? These are some of the best titles I've ever heard of and I love that he lifted them from other literature.

NaNoWriMo 2008 has begun

National Novel Writing Month 2008 (NaNoWriMo to its friends) begins today. I signed up for NaNoWriMo last year but wrote precisely zero words, so I figure the only way to go from that basement start is up. I wrote over a thousand words today (one writing exercise and the end of my assignment for my writing class) so I guess you could say I have SMASHED my record from last year. In your face NaNoWriMo 2007!

If you want to find out more about NaNoWriMo, or even sign up to write your own 50,000 word novel in 30 days, go here.

I'm a work machine!

The puppies look like muppets in this picture, especially The Moo (in back)

I decided to do a little social experiment on myself this week.

I made a pledge that I would not access the internet at work. No Facebook, no Gmail, no Bloglines, no Wikipedia, nada, zip, zero, nothing. Only work email, because apparently I have to respond to that. I had a vague idea that I wanted to see the effect it would have on my motivation. I don't have issues with time management at work. I am not someone who runs around screaming "I'm so busy!" and complaining. Well, I complain. But not about not having enough time to do my job.

So, day one was pretty easy. Day two, a bit harder. Day three and four were really pretty intense. I felt like an addict needing my crack. "Just a quick search!" or "I could just Wiki that..." or "Maybe I should check my email". I stayed strong in the struggle until this afternoon when my boss told me to check out a job on a website and also, I had this really cute email with little panda pictures in it that I wanted to sent to a friend...

The final result is I was basically a work machine this week. I felt really productive and useful. Will I continue the experiment? Yes, but not for the same reasons.

I read a lot of blogs. I like the insight into other people's lives. I find it interesting and compellng. But I waste a lot of time reading about other people's lives that could be spent actually living MY life. I care a lot less about my blog reading this week. I want to spend my personal time on stuff that is important to me. Not other people's lives, not the tv and not always books (although I totally heart books forever and ever). This is a good lesson to learn.

I've been typing up my writing from my journals and I have about another 4000 words for my novel, so I'm doing pretty good. I'm really looking forward to NanNoWriMo in November! I've also been reading Memoirs of a Geisha which I'll blog about in my Sunday Salon post.

Well, I'm off to live my life.

The Yellow Wallpaper

I read a short story today. It is part of my reading for my Creative Writing course. The story is called The Yellow Wallpaper and it was written by Charlotte Perkins Gilman and first published in 1892. I had no idea the effect this story would have on me.

The unnamed protagonist is experiencing post natal depression and the piece is an exploration of her experiences in an isolated homestead, forbidden to get "excited" or do anything resembling work as this was considered counter productive to her "nervous condition". Her husband is a jerk, telling her that the way she feels is all in her head and treating her like a small child. By the end of the story she is almost insane. In the commentary that followed the story Charlotte Gilman said she had experienced depression periodically in her life, and after her child was born. She went to see a "noted specialist in nervous disease, the best in the country" who said there was nothing really wrong with her, but she should "live a domestic life as far as possible", "have but two hours intellectual life a day" and "never touch a brush, pen, or pencil again" as long as she lived. She said she did this for 3 months and almost went insane.

This makes me angry on so many different levels. How DARE men of that time and place - barely a hundred years ago - explain away how a woman feels as being all in her head. How DARE he suggest that any kind of creative expression was counter productive to "getting over it"? How many women did this doctor, and others like him, cut off from creative expression and treat like baby making machines with the brains of vegetables? 2000 years of human history and a hundred years ago this fucking idiot doctor was strapping women to beds, feeding them massive amounts of cream and prescribing no intellectual stimulation. What the hell was he thinking?

I dislike the medical profession intensely. I do not believe all they tell me. I don't follow their prescriptions and tests if I don't agree with them. I won't let their statements remain unchallenged. Their power base has been far too big for far too long. I won't help them maintain unwarranted control over my life, or the lives of others.

As for the descent into madness experienced by the lead character in The Yellow Wallpaper, I feel uncomfortable reading her words. I read The Bell Jar for the first time a year or so ago. I was in equal measures repulsed and attracted by the story. I remember telling a woman on my writing retreat in Guatemala that I felt like I could see myself in Plath's words and she said "Yes, I think that was the disturbing thing about that novel. We could all see ourselves in her".

So now I am uncomfortable and filled with righteous indignation at the treatment of women by the medical profession.

Who I wish I could be

I wish I could be someone who:

• Smiles more
• Feels bone deep contentment
• Believes in herself
• Doesn't work full time
• Enjoys her day job
• Is kissed often
• Is debt free
• Knows what she wants
• Doesn't feel jealous and envious of other people whose lives seem better than hers
• Creates good art
• Writes every single day

Sunday Salon: Week Whatever

I've had a few weeks off from the Sunday Salon, so I'm not sure which week I'm at. The past few weeks have been slow reading weeks for me. I'm still reading Untangling My Chopsticks: A Culinary Sojourn in Kyoto, I have started and finished For the Love of Letters: A 21st Century Guide to the Art of Letter Writing and I am halfway through The Lost Slayer.

Let's start with For the Love of Letters.


I heard the author of this book, Samara O'Shea, interviewed on the Writers on Writing podcast (I seriously heart this show - it is available for free on Itunes and I find it is great for introducing me to authors and books I wouldn't ordinarily read) and thought this sounded like an interesting little book. O'Shea explores the world of letter writing in a unique way - she interposes letters she has written and received with famous letters from Abraham Lincoln, Edgar Allen Poe and Emily Post. The result is a suprisingly deep exploration of the place of letters our lives now, and in the recent past. I have a lot of respect for how much O'Shea puts herself out there in this book - she trots out letters from ex-lovers, almost boyfriends, old friends and even the apology letter she wrote to her boss when she was fired as an intern from The Oprah Magazine. It's ballsy, and turned what could have been an abstract impersonal topic into something intimate and engaging. I also have to admit that I had no idea how much I would relate to this book - I thought it would be interesting in a nothing to do with me kind of way. Little did I know that I have written pretty much every letter in that book (heavy on the letters to almost-boyfriends...eek!). To top it all off, I dropped O'Shea an email to let her know how much I enjoyed the book and her reply was gracious and humble. Highly recommended.


The Lost Slayer is a Buffy the Vampire Slayer book. I imagine half of you stopped reading after that sentence. Oh well. This is actually an omnibus (God I love that word) of four books written by Christopher Golden which follow the same character arc. It's a meaty read, and I suspect it is vastly improved by compiling all four books together. The basic premise is this: Buffy makes a mistake that sees her propelled 5 years into the future into the body of 24 year old Buffy who has spent the past 5 years locked in a holding cell while the King of the Vampires takes over Sunnydale and LA (almost). When Buffy breaks out, everything has changed - Willow is heading up the military-esque organisation that is trying to stop the vampires from taking over LA, Buffy's Mom is dead, and so is Anya (killed by Spike), Oz is still around but he and Willow aren't what they once were and Xander. Poor Xander. He is bitter and scarred and doesn't smile anymore. Oh, and the King of the Vampires is...GILES! I almost dropped the book when that was revealed, but vampire Giles makes a great villain. I'm a little over half way through and I have to say I'm really enjoying my visit to the Buffyverse. I used to read all of the Buffy books (give me a break...I was 20-something. I'm almost 32 now, so obviously I can appreciate the books on more levels and with deeper wisdom and great insight etc. etc.) and Christopher Golden was the best Buffy writer - he really had the dialogue rhythm down and understood the characters. Good times!

Finally, as I said, I am still making my way through the meandering path and zen rock raking that is Untangling My Chopsticks. This is a book that is not the sort of book that shouts "READ ME NOW!!!!" It doesn't shout anything. Every now and then it politely whispers "Here I am. You can read me if you like. If not I'll wait." It's an interesting book, it's just that the art of learning how to cook the food that accompanies the Japanese tea ceremony is not urgent reading. It does, however, make me want to visit my favourite Japanese restaurant.

Happy reading Sunday Salon-ers!

Sunday Scribblings: Wedding

I hate this prompt.

I'm going to hate wading through other people's posts about the day they married their husband/wife. All very romantic stories, I'm sure. I'm not against marriage. It's just the older I get the more complicated the whole thing seems. I don't know if I could ever hand someone my heart on a platter. And I don't know what I would do if they served me theirs on a platter.

I went out to dinner a few months back and a woman I didn't know very well told me that she met a guy, they had two, like, awesome months together and then he left for a trip to Europe. There were many tears and promises (most of them hers I am guessing) and now she had just quit her job and was going to fly to Europe to holiday with him for a while before they both came back to start their lives together. Part of this hideously romantic tale was the line "Two weeks after I met him he said I was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and he could see himself with me forever."

At this point I was ready to leave the table if she continued with "He said he could see his unborn children in my eyes". Luckily she stopped for a breath and I said "Maybe there is something wrong with me, but I'd run a mile if a guy said that to me." She looked visibly annoyed. I guess I was supposed to gush and giggle and look wistful as I told her she was the luckiest woman in the world and I was so envious.

Sorry, no. I'm not against relationships, love and romance. I like all three, sometimes mixed together. But I'm not willing to mortgage myself for something that isn't real, doesn't make sense and is based purely on emotion. Just because you love one another, doesn't mean it is going to work. Life leans much more towards the practical than the romantic and the various expensive weddings I've attended over the years have made me decidedly cynical about the whole thing. One in three couples who marry divorce. I think they should be made to give the wedding presents back, or offer a cash equivalent.

Friday Words of Wisdom

The lesson I am learning lately is that there is no waiting for the perfect time to start anything. There will never be a perfect time to:

start a business,

have a baby,

quit your job,

go for the job you want,

go back to school,

call that person,

paint those empty canvasses,

leave your comfort zone,

learn to surf,

travel to India,

write your book,

follow your dream.

There will never be the perfect time for anything, so you may as well begin now imperfectly.

- Words of wisdom from the remarkable Stacy over at Bella Wish.