She lives a life...

...of quiet desperation.

The 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women: Week Three

Secret Three: Following Your Fascinations

These are the things that help me to be brave, and to take that step toward my goal, my dream, my light. That step can be painful and frightening and scary and it sometimes makes me feel sick to my stomach.

• Remembering that people believe in me, and in my talent. I remember compliments paid, the look on someone's face as I read the words that flow from my mind, the stories that are uniquely mine.
  
• How I feel when I write - like I've slotted into some invisible groove and this is exactly. where. I. need. to. be. The sense of belonging and hope is something I've looked for my entire life, only to find it inside of myself, induced by the act of writing.
  
• I talk about my writing, mostly to myself. Sometimes I'll be in the car and I'll pretend to be answering questions from a group of people about what it is like to be a successful author. I talk about my characters, my challenges and even though no one is there, and it is just me, I feel like I'm acknowledging my writing self and stroking its soft golden head and thanking it. Okay, that's a little weird. But it works for me. :)
• Knowing that the pain of not doing anything is far more than the discomfort that comes with trying something new.
  
• Planning. I love to plan, even if my execution is a little shaky sometimes. I read the book Wishcraft that Gail McMeekin mentions in this chapter. I love it, and highly recommend it. Even if it is a bit old, the principles are very sound and some of the best ideas I've heard in regards to goal setting and achieving. If I have a good plan, I find this can make all the difference.
  

I think that's it. That's what I do to bring light to the tunnel of creative darkness. I can't wait to read about what you do and create my little toolkit. What a great idea.

My little step this week will be to get up 30 minutes early on Wednesday morning and spend this time writing. I've been a little out of it lately, possibly due to my massive efforts in November for NaNoWriMo. But, this is me, back to an active writing schedule. Hooray!

The 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women: Week Two

If I close my eyes, maybe the world can't see me

Secret Two: Honouring Your Inspirations

Here is what I "heard" in this chapter:

• If I embrace my creativity like a lover, investing time and effort and love and caring into our relationship, my creative self will flourish.
• If I spend time in nature, exploring the elements and simply being outside, this will enhance my creativity.

These are good reminders. I have my own sanctuary to create in - my beloved conservatory where I like to work on my art and read and play with my puppies. I do most of my writing here at my desk in my bedroom, though. It is a comfortable space, but certainly needs some clearing out. I have a scented candle burning at the moment. I have only recently returned to lighting candles, but I can't remember why I stopped.

What talents do you have naturally? Gail McMeekin wants to know. I'm a good writer, a gifted writer even. I love the written word and to play with it, arrange it so it has meaning and breathe to life stories, weaving the words tight and close, well, that is pure joy to me. I am determined, I am funny, I have big dreams and interesting ways of helping them transition from dream to reality, although some are not there yet. All in good time, all in good time.

What drains your creative energy? My day job. Being gone, 10 hours a day, in a place I'm not sure I belong, doing things that curiously have no real meaning. This makes me sad, and sadness zaps my creative spirit. I am trying, though, to bring more creativity to work, to be less sad and more happy. Another work in progress.

I think ultimately, creativity is more important to me than almost anything else. Therefore I must find ways to let it run wild and free in my life.

The 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women: Week One

Secret One: Acknowledging Your Creative Self

I'm excited to be a part of Jamie's current book blogging group. I really enjoyed my experience with Soul Coaching. My favourite parts were getting comments from other people who were sharing my journey, and connecting with them on their blogs. It made me feel part of a community, which is really a very precious thing.

I have read The 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women before. It was more than a year ago now. I found the book through Kimberly Wilson's podcast. I was in a horrible job at the time, and I would sneak chapters in when I wasn't busy and the office dragon wasn't around. I liked the book, and definitely got something out of it. I revisited the book again as a part of Kimberly Wilson's Creativity Circle. I noticed some fairly harsh criticism of the book on that go around, and I admit that due to the heavy load of reading (we were working on 3 books at the same time!) I didn't re-read 12 Secrets.

After I read Chapter 1 today, I thought how lucky I am (and how lucky you are!) that we are not in the same position as Gail McMeekin. We have strong female role models in creativity all around us in this wonderful online community. I can think of at least ten women off the top of my head whose blogs I follow, loving their art or craft or their writing and painting. I follow YOUR journeys of creativity, while going on my own. Even if I don't reach out to all of these women, just knowing you are there means that I don't feel so alone. I feel strong women all around me and I know that if you can do it, so can I.

I am a very creative person, but it took me a long time to come to believe that statement, and live it. First and foremost I am a writer and words are my main art form. But I love to dance (only by myself in my house), paint, colour, glue, scrapbook, make origami and doodle. I've been so much happier since embracing the creativity in my soul. I know that I don't have to be the best dancer, or the best painter, or the most perfect writer. I just have to try. And that, my new friends, is the most fun thing of all. All the possible joy that can flow from creativity.

I look forward to reading some of your entries for the first week - I'm so excited!

Sunday Salon: New York, New York

This amazing photograph is from a collection called 'The City' by Lori Nix

Biting the Big Apple by Bella Vendramini, Lip Service by MJ Post, Not Quite What I Was Planning and The Friday Night Knitting Club by Kate Jacobs.

I feel like I've been in New York this week. It started with Biting The Big Apple, a memoir from an Australian/New Zealand actress as she studies, lives and loves in New York City. Bella (we're on a first name basis) and I are basically complete opposites. I too have lived, loved and worked overseas, but with much more planning and control than Bella, who sort of launched from experience to experience by the seat of her pants. Her way definitely makes for a better memoir. This book is compulsive reading, probably more so for Australians like myself as we get all of the cultural references and language mangling. We also get the difference between Australia and New York, and Australia and the USA in general, which you'll never understand unless you're Australian. I read this book in about a day, and it was highly entertaining. Who couldn't love irresponsible, yet apparently highly talented Bella? She's very likable and self deprecating, which makes her endearing. The main beef I have with the book concerns Bella's romances. She has two major romances - the first is her own "Mr Big" (whose fake name in the book is James), some rich guy who is intellectual, sensitive and wonderful. Well, he would be if he wasn't an abusive and raving alcoholic who abuses Bella verbally and emotionally, and almost does her physical harm. The second is a nice Israeli musician who is apparently great in the sack, but pretty dumb. He doesn't believe in Bella's dreams or in creativity in general. Obviously Bella dumps James because he's an abusive alcoholic and eventually gets together with the not so smart guy. What bothered me was in the final chapters Bella was saying that she had to leave Israeli guy as he didn't believe in her dreams and THAT WAS WORSE THAN WHAT JAMES HAD DONE TO HER. Um, what? At the end of the book, after being very clear at the beginning about the things James had done and said to her, she goes soft on him at the end? Call me crazy, but I'd consider a mentally and psychologically abusive guy to be far worse that a guy who didn't believe in me. I wouldn't want to be with either, of course, but really... Things made more sense when I read this interview conducted with Bella after the book was published. Apparently she and James married after she wrote the book, although they are now separated. Ah...I see. She was writing the book either just before or during their reconciliation, so she decided to justify her choice and say the Israeli guy was the more abusive of the two... Oh, Bella. So to sum up, it was a good read, very funny in places, cringe worthy in others, but I can't overlook the fact that she justified an abuser and tried to hold him up as a hero.


My next New York book was The Friday Night Knitting Club. I've been wanting to read this one for while, and picked it up on a whim at the library. It was an interesting book, quite clearly a first novel. I found it intriguing and compelling reading, even if it didn't actually have a plot until the last quarter of the book. Prior to that it was basically just getting to know the women who frequent the club. I agree with other reviewers who have argued that the characters are stereotypical. Yes, they are. And it is unabashedly soppy, with a death, a reunion, a late in life romance, a planned for yet still unexpected baby and a break up. I'm not a knitter, but I imagine knitters would love this book for all its knitting references. I noticed that Julia Roberts is starring in the screen adaptation of the book, and it is due out in 2010. I don't think I'll bother going to see it.


My final New York book is MJ Rose's Lip Service. I heard the author interviewed on the Writers on Writing podcast. I like erotic fiction, as long as there is a storyline and the sex is all relevant. Otherwise it would just be porn, and how boring would that be? Lip Service was compelling enough for me to read it in 24 hours. It was a slow build - Julia, a psychologically fragile unhappily married woman becomes a phone sex "therapist" in order to research a book for a sexual therapy institute. The book delves into Julia's repressed sexuality, her redundant relationship with her psychiatrist husband Paul, and her long term friendship with Jack, who has been in love with Julia for years. I thought Rose did a great job, and the twist at the end is pretty neat.

My final read this week was Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six Word Memoirs By Famous and Obscure Writers. I heard about this book on the Writers on Writing podcast too. Seriously, that podcast has done wonders for my branching out in reading styles. I've read and enjoyed a whole bunch of books that I probably wouldn't otherwise know about if it weren't for the show. The story behind the six word memoirs in Not Quite What I Was Planning is that Ernest Hemingway was asked to write a story in six words. He said - For sale: baby shoes, never used. Pretty intriguing, huh? So the editors at Smith Magazine asked, via their website, for six word memoir submissions. The results are sometimes funny, sometimes sad, and often brilliant. Some examples:

Cursed with cancer. Blessed with friends.
Crappy parents killed my self esteem.
Revenge is living well, without you.
Country girl seeks, finds, abandons city.
So devastated, no babies for me.
In a Manolo world, I'm Keds.
She walked barefoot in wet cement.

Interesting stuff.

Happy reading, friends!

Dear 2008

I've read a few blogs that have used the format "Dear 2008" to sort of farewell the year and move on. Last year I tried the Mondo Beyondo method and found it to be useful, so I think I'll mix up the two approaches and see how I go.

Dear 2008,

Now that you're gone, I'm not sure what to say. I was ready for you to go, but that's me. I'm itchy. I need to know that time is passing, things are moving. I often remind myself that time moves at the same speed whether I'm enjoying myself or not. In the next breath I try to deconstruct the notion of time. It doesn't exist really, it is just one more thing we use to try and control life. I like control. I like to know what is happening. 2008 was a year for me to let go of that a bit.

2008 was a year of travel. I took my first trip to Melbourne to see a very dear friend of mine get married. I loved Melbourne, and I couldn't believe it took me so long to get there. The trams, the little alleys, the shopping, the bookstores, the food, the markets...I heart Melbourne. I took a surprise trip to the UK and Europe. By "surprise" I mean that I had no idea I was going, and had in fact decided not to travel for a while and concentrate on paying off my credit cards. Then the email for the writer's retreat to Scotland found its way into my inbox and before you know it, I had decided to go there, and for my first trip to Europe. I am so glad I did. I'm a different person now that the sunny days and starlit nights of Rome, Paris, Lucerne and Florence have soaked into my body and soul. My most recent trip was to Cairns, to visit my wonderful cousin and her equally wonderful (if not slighty more so...) baby Kaylee Maree, and to Sydney to see my soul friend Caroline. Travel is an intrinsic part of who I am. While certain parts of taking a journey upset and distress me (I like control, remember? Travel is rarely controlled), the pay off is worth it, one hundred times over. There will be more travel in 2009, oh yes there will.

2008 was the year my cousin gave birth to the incredible spirit that is Kaylee Maree. Oh Kaylee, how we longed for your arrival. And how much you have brought with you. When all hope seems to be lost, we only have to look into your eyes to know that there is so much more. My cousin gave Kaylee my name as a middle name. I don't think I've ever been more honoured by anything in my life. That she loves me so much that her child carries my name is such a beautiful thing.

2008 heralded the arrival of Mollie Moo. Actually, she arrived in late December 2007, but close enough. Mollie (also known as "The Moo" or just "Moo") was rescued from the pound. I saw her picture on a local animal shelter website and decided she might just be the one. I wanted a similar dog to a golden retriever as I already had the noble steed that is Hopie. We went to visit Mollie and I decided to take her home. I then cried the whole way home, worried that I had ruined Hopie's life and my life and who was this new dog anyway? I stuck it out, and how very glad I am that I did. Mollie and I were meant to be together. Mollie with her tail that wags almost constantly, Mollie who gets up every time I enter a room to come and greet me, Mollie who looks at me with adoration in her eyes, Mollie who if I woke up and called her name in the night would come in a heartbeat. Mollie who cost me $3000 after deciding to eat half a towel. But we won't talk about that too much. I love my Mollie Moo with all of my heart, and I'm so glad we've found each other. I'm also very glad that Hopie has adjusted to being a big sister. It makes me smile when I watch Mollie lay down very close to Hopie, and Hopie heaves a big sigh and lets her lay there. Ah, Hopie baby dog, we're about to begin the 5th year of our journey together and you warm my heart and my soul. I don't think I would have survived the past five years without you.

2008 was the year of writing. I wrote and wrote and wrote. I found my rhythm, lost it, found it again. I let the words flow where they wanted to. I began. I found my way. I participated in NaNoWriMo and won, clocking over 51,000 words. Yay! I am a writer these days and my novel will be published. Watch this space.

Notice how I've carefully recorded events and not emotions. Now for Mondo Beyondo:

1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2008?

I want to acknowledge how far I've come with my writing. It was all just a frgmented dream this time last year, and now it is much more tangible. I can taste it (it tastes like sweet spring water), I can smell it (it smells like fresh reams of neatly stacked paper and soft incense), I can feel it (it feels like fire that burns without pain, it feels like soft rain, it feels like a bagel - strong and shiny on the outside, soft and wooly on the inside) and I can hear it (it sings to me in the softest of breaths). I'm so proud of myself.

I want to acknowledge how I shifted my approach to my working day. These shifts have led to new opportunities for 2009, which are both exciting and frightening.

I want to acknowledge my weigh loss journey. I lost 15kg, which is a major achievement. It's sad to me that I've put on about 9 of the kilos I lost. It's a continuing battle, and not an easy one.

2. What is there to grieve about 2008?

I grieve for dreams and fantasies that remain unfulfilled and out of reach. I grieve for her, the other me, my opposite. I grieve for the fact that I am without a parent, and I grieve for the loss of innocence that comes with losing a parent, not just for me, but for everyone who has ever lost their mother or father.

I forgive myself for not being perfect, for not being debt free, for not being a lawyer, for not being a mother or a wife. I forgive myself for getting angry and for being demanding with myself and others.

3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?

I think I've said most of what I wanted to say. I declare 2008 complete and I'm looking forward to seeing how 2009 will unfold.

Your pal,

Maree

There is a second part to Mondo Beyondo...I expect I'll get to it soon enough.

Sunday Scribblings: I believe...

I believe in less than I used to.

Loss does that to a person.

Things have been snatched from my tight grasp, tearing fingernails and flesh. My legs tremble, my nerves jump erratically under my skin and my breath becomes shallow, so shallow it seems as if I'll never breathe deeply again. Around that corner is someone who means me harm. He'll carve his name on my virgin flesh as I accept the horror, safe in the knowledge that it could be worse because I know worse, and expect no better.

But you don't know that, do you? You don't know what "worse" is. Smile your golden smile and accept the graciousness of the world. For every one of you, there are ten of me. We, with bones snapped, black blood seeping, organs pierced and hearts shredded...we suffer so that you may believe.

Hard times come to us all, of course. You will one day lose your smile, your moment in the sun. You'll join our ranks of pain and fear. It's not all bad, you know. After all, the worst has happened and now you can spend the rest of your days on hands and knees, searching through the tattered remains of your beliefs for that most elusive of things - hope.

Sunday Salon: Books Galore

I've been absent from the Sunday Salon for a while. I've thought about posting, but just haven't quite got there. The reading has continued of course, so I'm going to talk about The Subtle Knife, Red Leather Diary: Reclaiming a Life Through the Pages of a Lost Journal, Standing at Water’s Edge - Moving Past Fear, Blocks, and Pitfalls to Discover the Power of Creative Immersion and American Gods.


I read Neil Gaiman's American Gods a few months back, after enjoying his young adult novel Coraline so much. American Gods was an incredibly memorable book. I read a lot and even if I enjoy a book it tends to go a little fuzzy after a while. Not so with American Gods, parts of which are still razor sharp in my mind. Characters and scenarios still come to my mind often, even after a few months which is always the sign of a great book. I won't say it was an easy read (particularly the last third or so) but it was continually surprising and unwound itself like 20 metres of red ribbon on a blanket of white snow. I didn't know where to look thought, or what evocative image to entertain. I wanted to read the book in snippets, digesting it slowly, and savouring the complicated stories of how Gods were transported to America, and their slow decline. I thought Gaiman's tension between the old Gods and the new Gods (I loved the idea of the Chrome Gods, who received hundreds of thousands of sacrifices every year from people in car accidents and the drug gods, who again were worshipped in the thousands). I felt like things came a little undone at the end and I wasn't necessarily satisfied with how the final battle went down (or didn't), but what a hell of a ride.


The Red Leather Diary was a nice little find. I can't remember who recommended it to me, but it arrived on my loan shelf at the library just before Christmas. It even had its own red tag - THIS BOOK IS IN HEAVY DEMAND, return it fast or we'll hunt you down - you know the sort of thing. I read a few pages when I left the library and I was hooked. Lily Koppel discovered Florence's diary in an old trunk being thrown out in her apartment building in New York. It detailed the life of Florence, a young girl who was 14 at the start of the diary and 19 at its end, who had a passion for writing, art, men and women and life in general. It faithfully documents New York City in the 20's and 30's and is a wonderful, colourful read. A writer for the New York Times, Koppel wrote a piece on the diary which she then decided to turn into a book. The young girl who wrote the journal is now an old woman of 90, but still with plenty of vigour and passion. The book isn't just transcribed diary entries, but is rather broken into subject matter and interspersed with interviews Koppel did with the 90 year old Florence and her friends and surviving family. In short, it is fascinating and I highly, highly recommend it.


The Subtle Knife is the second of Philip Pullman's award winning Golden Compass series. I bought the omnibus a while back and I've been wading through it. The Subtle Knife was actually an easier read for me than His Dark Materials, possibly because I'd seen the movie and pretty much knew what the main plot points were, which didn't create much mystery or intrigue. The second book is very different from the first and I can understand the reluctance of filmmakers to commit to filming the trilogy. However, I loved the character of Will and I felt Lyra was much more sure of herself in this book and hence a bit less whiny. This was very much the story of two children. I missed Iorek, and of course the loss in this book of one of my favourite characters saw me crying my eyes out. So sad. :( I can also understand the whole religious uproar around the books now. The first book isn't at all controversial in terms of the church. Critical yes, controversial no. But the second one takes it to a new level with the idea of Lord Asriel finding God and planting a knife in his chest. I love controversy though, and I love ballsy plot choices. More power to you, Philip Pullman.


That's a microscopic image of Anne Paris' Standing at Water’s Edge - Moving Past Fear, Blocks, and Pitfalls to Discover the Power of Creative Immersion. The good news: I can relate to all of Paris' main points in this book. It is definitely speaking to me and I'm finding that it has a wonderfully refreshing take on creativity and some new ideas. The bad news: It reads like a Phd thesis. It is impossibly cemented in a bunch of academic references and talk about parenting and how if your parents didn't tell you your drawings were great when you were a kid you became moody and withdrawn and can't be your own best friend etc etc. Some of this info is interesting, but after a while it just becomes redundant. We wouldn't be reading this book if we were having a great artistic life. Let's all agree we weren't really encouraged as children and stop belabouring the point! I also think more examples from Paris' clinical work would be great too. I'm sticking with this book because like I said, it is speaking to me. But I'm used to academic texts and I can imagine it might be a bit heavy going if you're not as forgiving as I'm willing to be.

And that, my friends, is it for my Sunday Salon. It's my birthday this week and I know at least 2 delicious books are headed my way and I also have almost $100.00 worth of vouchers to use up this week in local bookstores so yay! Happy reading.

Remington Typewriters and Red Leather Diaries

I requested this book at the library some time ago. I can't even remember where I heard about it. Maybe I should work on that. Writing down where the recommendation comes from. Except of course it is hard enough to write down the book title and I've only just started a separate little book filled with "must reads".

Anyway, I went to return Kim Harrison's Where Demons Dare and asked if there were any books on hold for me. Two were, one of which is the a fore referenced The Red Leather Diary: Reclaiming a Life Through the Pages of a Lost Journal. I sat in the car and read the inside cover, which had me sitting in the car for a little longer starting to read the prologue. I decided to actually get out of the car and take this fascinating book to the coffee shop and read it while I drank coffee and ate croissant. So I did, and I've been reading it on and off all day. Not too much, and not too little. Just the right amount to immerse myself in the New York of the 20's. On page 72 I came across a picture of a Remington typewriter, made in 1928 and painted lavender that the diarist had convinced her parents to buy for her. I was suddenly seized with the need to touch my Remington typewriter.



To say that it is mine is a little misleading. This Remington typewriter belonged to my Grandmother or my Great Grandmother and has been sitting in my father's shed for all almost-32 years of my life. I've never seen it operational and I have no idea whether or not it can be made operational. All I know is that it is time to try and restore it. I actually know nothing about restoring typewriters. A helpful website here suggests I start with a soft damp cloth and go from there, so I'm going to give it a try tomorrow. The website also suggests some steel wool and a few other cleaning products (alcohol for the keys apparently) so I'll get those tomorrow too and see what I can see. So far I know there is a LOT of rust, so that will take some getting rid of. Plus, I suspect that not really knowing what I'm doing will be a problem at some point. But for now, I'm just excited!

Here are some pictures of my Remington's current sad state:



This is the "carry case". You seriously do NOT want to know how heavy this typewriter is. Maybe it is made out of iron???


Despite the sheer amount of rust visible, and the very fact I'm restoring a typewriter when what I don't know about typewriters could fill a warehouse, I'm still excited about my project. I feel a strong sense of serendipity here. I'm a writer, and I have to assume that my Grandmother or my Great Grandmother (who both died about 20 years before I was born) was a writer. Why the hell else would they drag this incredibly heavy typewriter out from England when they moved to Australia?

I'm a writer. And maybe, just maybe, this is a Grandmother's gift to a granddaughter she knew she would never meet. I couldn't think of a better present.

I. Want. This. Library.

I want this guy's library.

I mean, seriously. If I was a dot com millionaire, this is exactly what I'd do with all that money.

Soul Coaching: Day Eighteen

Day Eighteen: Being Present and Saying Yes to Life

I've been quiet the last few days. I've been at a three day conference with work, and it has been such a struggle to find joy there. I managed to find some joy - my work colleagues making me laugh, the good food, how I could read my book in the breaks, the fact that the coffee was decent - but it was difficult. Basically I've outgrown my job and I'm ready for something more challenging and I've known that for a while. This week has reinforced that feeling.

Over the past year I have become very good at using "could" instead of "should". I'm a writer, so I am very careful with words, or at least I try to be.

As for today, well, I understand the idea behind living in the present moment. I do try - and I tried again today - but I think I have a life that makes it very difficult to be. here. right. now. I have letters today about my superannuation and retirement savings - I'm in my early 30's, but I have to plan now, according to them. There is a credit card statement with a due date in the future. I have a job interview on Monday (hooray for fire!) and I must prepare for that. I have to go to work tomorrow so I need to have clothes prepared or I'll be searching for something half decent in the morning. My dogs need to be fed soon, and I must take Mollie to the vet about her eye.

See? All of these things are important and my choices mean at least part of me must be in the future. I also like to spend part of my time in the past - my wonderful holiday to Europe was in July - should I just forget that because it is over? No, plus that holiday had an effect on who I am now.

I just don't think it is as simple as be right here in the moment all the time, no matter how much I appreciate the sentiment.

Soul Coaching: Day Fifteen

Day Fifteen: Confronting Fear/Developing Faith

Would you rather be good or whole?

Unequivocably, I would rather be whole.

I am afraid of how bright my light can shine, of being successful beyond my wildest imaginings, of being a mother, of never being truly loved for who I am, of dying before I've lived, of losing more of the people close to me, of working full time for the rest of my life and yet never being of any use, of never sleeping again, of never being held again, of my dogs running away due to carelessness, of going blind or deaf, of drowning in my own depression.

If I am never loved for who I am, I will survive. I will have been true to myself, to who I am and I will love myself for who I am. Which is really the most important thing, right?

I am willing to fail, and fail epicly and fantastically. To go down in flames, if you'll excuse the pun in this fire week we're in. I'll go down in flames if I must, but before I go down, I'll go up, even if for a few glorious seconds. Then I'll try again and I'll go up for a few more seconds.

Great things can be built, one brick at a time, one step at a time, one fearless action at a time.

I believe this.

Soul Coaching: Day Fourteen

Day Fourteen: Releasing Victim Thinking/Choosing Your Life

Isn't this interesting? This is something I have been working at for a long time now, and I have been paying specific attention to it during the course of Soul Coaching. I am very careful with my language these days.

I'm so stupid becomes That was silly of me, I will be more present in this moment

I'm just not lucky becomes I'm very lucky, and abundance is all around me

I'm so angry that she said that becomes How can I understand this person better?

This whole self improvement thing is difficult. It would be much easier to sit in the corner and blame the world for everything, taking no responsibility. I know people like that. But I pity them. I want to live my life and be happy. I want to have dreams and goals. I want to risk everything for the promise of something. A life lived in fear is a life half lived, and I want so very much to be fully alive.

Who I am is enough, just as I am

Soul Coaching: Day Thirteen

Day Thirteen: Attitude of Gratitude

I could be more grateful. I am grateful for my life, my health, my family and friends, my job. It's the little details I get caught up in and somehow I let them eclipse everything else, until all I can see is irritating details.

Here are the things I am grateful for today:

• My body and the way it carries me around, the fact that I can walk, talk and breath and I live in a pain free way
• My job, for it brings me money and a car and the ability to improve my skills
• The kindness of the people at the cocktail function I worked at this evening, who were all extremely nice to me
• My ability to write, and I am grateful for Chris Baty (creator of NaNoWriMo and all round cutie) who created a great program to kick me into gear with my novel
• My dogs and how much joy and happiness they bring me
• The availability of good fresh food, and my ability to buy it
• The people I work with who make me laugh
• My Mum and her unrelenting support of everything that is me
• My 46 year old bird (he's a pink and grey galah and his name is Cocky, or The Cockster if you're a close friend), just for being around and being himself
• To the muses for inspiring me
• For all my books and my love of reading

You know...there is a lot to be grateful for. I think I just need to stop and remind myself of that more often.

Soul Coaching: Day Twelve

Mossy Rocks, Isle of Cumbrae, Scotland

Soul Coaching: Day Twelve

In the centre of my being, there is always stillness and peace

I've had a rough couple of days. I thought about using a different word to "rough", but rough sums it up pretty well. I received some feedback at work which while it was framed in a very positive and careful manner was still negative feedback. And what really sucks, is that I know the feedback is true.

Sometimes I think I'm getting a grasp on myself and moving through the world and I'm abruptly brought down to earth with a bump, cuffed over the ear and told "You've got a lot to learn, kid." I wonder if it is wrong of me to think I'm evolving into something more. Maybe evolving isn't a linear process - sometimes I'm way ahead, sometimes I'm just behind and it sort of jumps all over the place.

I agree with Denise Linn when she says that working through soul coaching will bring these things to light in our lives. I suppose it makes sense that the light will shine on areas of my life that I would rather stay hidden in the dark.

Today's Level 1 suggestion is to slow down. I tried, but my mind is racing a million miles an hour and I've had such a busy few days. All excuses. I think I'm just hurt right now, and if I slow down too much I'll have to sit in that place and I just don't want to.

Soul Coaching: Day Eleven

I have no words for the soul coaching journey today. Only water filled photographs...

Venice, Italy

Paris as seen from the Eiffel Tower

The ocean view from Wee Cumbrae, Scotland

Lake Lucerne, Switzerland

Scarborough Beach, Western Australia

My home.

Soul Coaching: Day Ten

Botanical Gardens, San Antonio, Texas

Day Ten: What Are Your Energy Zappers

I am moving into harmony with everyone and everything in my universe

I chanted this affirmation this morning as I did some cleaning. I got the words a bit muddled around, but the intention is there. I carefully put aside some time in my work day to work on both the Level 1 and the Level 2 activities.

Level 1: Identify Your Energy Zappers

Here is my list of energy zappers:

Work - I don't like working full time; I'm not being challenged at work so my motivation is low; there is conflict with my work team; I get frustrated at the lack of anything remotely resembling uniform processes and procedure.

Life - I feel like I spend too much time at the supermarket, I don't like clutter and mess but I let things get that way, I feel like I don't read enough; debt zaps my energy; junk food and not exercising zap my energy; feeling disconnected and alone.

I came up with a series of good solutions, such as looking for another job, going to the sueprmarket once every 2 weeks and stocking up, making a small amount of time each day to tidy up, exercising more, eating less junk food, calling my friends at least once a month to stay in touch.

Level 2: Identify What Juices Your Energy

Here is my list: exercise (yoga and walking), writing, reading, playing the piano, spending time with my friends, the rain, planning holidays, being with like minded souls, lighting candles, being with my dogs, self exploration, creativity in all its forms, water and swimming.

From this list I put together some solutions that include finding a yoga class, going swimming either at the beach or at the swimming pools at least once every 2 weeks, turning the tv off and reading more, start planning a holiday, making more time to be creative.

Now comes the more difficult part - scheduling these activities into my life. I have a wonderful book by Barbara Sher called Wishcraft which talked about how you start with your goal - say, to exercise more - and then work backwards, exploring what I would need to do to exercise more, waht sort of exercise, early morning or evening classes, group classes or individual, costs etc etc. It's a great way to work through goals and I have used the process extensively with my goal of become a writer and publishing a novel. Those goals are not done yet, but at least I'm on my way.

Now, I'm off to fill up my beautiful water bottle from Switzerland and have a nice cold drink of water.

Soul Coaching: Day Nine

Day 9: Examining the Meaning That You Give Your Life

Firstly, I am excited that Jamie used my photo today. I took the photo at Villa Sumaya on Lake Atilan in Guatemala in February last year. It was a little nook in a wall right on the lake, with a tap and a bowl make of a sweet rock mosaic. With the lovely flowers it made for a beautiful picture. I hope everyone has enjoyed it!

Secondly, I didn't have time for more cleaning today. I spent most of the day at work (this full time work business gets in the way of a lot of the things I want to do!) and then this evening I went out with a friend for dinner and then I had to make my NaNoWriMo word count so I am feeling pretty tired and cranky right now.

I find it hard to give people or events the benefit of the doubt. The example Denise Linn gives in the book is if someone cuts me off in traffic I could choose to believe they were running late or their husband was in labour or whatever, but I usually think "what a jerk". The same when someone cuts me off in a grocery store line or walks into me because they weren't looking where they were going. What I actually want to say to them is:

I'm sorry, is your need greater than mine?

Because it isn't. All our needs are great. Mine are not more important than theirs and vice versa. It is very hard to for me to feel compassionate and forgiving towards people who lack personal insight and are unable to see outside of their own experience. I won't apologise for this.

There are other things I can reframe - my language use, the way I think of my body, forgiving myself for mistakes (I'm only human, after all!) and most of all believing in myself.

Lit Flicks Challenge - I'm in!

Okay, so I've actually been a part of the Lit Flicks Challenge since September 1, but I am only just getting around to writing my sign up post. Er, whoops! Well, better late than never, right?

Here are the books I'm going to read for the challenge:

The Horse Whisperer

Memoirs of a Geisha

Casino Royale

The Witches of Eastwick

Eragon

Man on Fire

I've actually already read the first two - which I'll post about separately. The idea is that you read at least 5 books, and watch at least 2 of the film adaptations and then post reviews and join in on conversations and stuff. I'm a little behind, but I'm hoping to catch up with some reviews and some chatter. I just LOVE talking about books!

Soul Coaching: Day Eight

Day Eight: Exploring the Turning Points of Your Life

I unconditionally accept my feelings...and what I feel is not who I am

I'm excited to begin the week of water. More excited than poor little Eeyore in the picture above, anyway! I love the water. I live near the ocean and as a child I spent my summers learning how to swim. I don't get to swim anywhere near as much as I used to, but I still have that love of water and the way it cushions my weight and holds me up.

I have chosen to do the Level 1 activity today: What Were the Turning Points in Your Life? This is a big question.

The turning point that comes to mind is a recent one. I mentioned early last week about a friend who said something to me that I chose to take in a way that made me feel "bad". I picked my language for that sentence very carefully - I chose to feel bad about what he said. I allowed him to bring out feelings of guilt and remorse. As they say in therapy, use the 'I' statements. I can't sit here and say "He made me feel bad. He didn't have to say that. He was mean." I'm all about the personal responsibility.

I am not sure, but I know that our friendship needs to change, or perhaps its end has come. I remember several years ago I met up with this friend and I was in a quiet space. He said "You're quiet today" and I said "Yes". We sat in silence for a while and he said again "This is very quiet" and I said "You could always ask me questions" and he looked and me and said "But that isn't how this works". That may be, but now is the time for our friendship to change or for me to let go.

I feel at peace with this and I feel this has the potential to be a major turning point. I hope everyone else's day eight has been as interesting as mine.